[weeks later; Charlie and Grampa Joe stand outside the gates of the Chucklehead factory with four other lucky contestants; Mike TV, Violent Beauregarde, Verruca Assault and Augustus Poop. Charlie addresses the crowd, speaking into his umbrella]
Charlie: "Good morning and welcome. You join me here on this frosty winters morning outside the Chucklehead factory where I recently won a-"
Grampa: "Charlie, who are you reportin' for, kid?"
Charlie: "Ah...that wouldn't be deemed important at this present juncture, Grampa."
Mike: "Shush everyone, something's happening!"

[a fanfare sounds; everyones attention is drawn to the gates]
Charlie: "Well Anne, I do believe that this signals the-"
Violent: "SHUT IT!"

[a crumpled moustachied figure emerges from a small door; he totters forward and just when the crowd think he's about to collapse, he rolls forward and dances a little jig]
Willie: "Hows it goin and welcome. I'm Willie, but ye chancers can call me.....Willie."
Charlie: "Grampa! Note how his mouth doesn't move behind the moustache."
Grampa: "That's magic Charlie, magic! I've heard about this guy."
Willie: "And now if the five lucky winners would follow me, I would dearly love to welcome you all to...the Chucklehead Factory."
[Willie shoves open the main gate]
All: "Yaaaaaaay!"

[later]
Willie: "Right then. This next room is where the press releases is magicked up. Careful where ye walk."
[Willie shoves open a huge door to an enchanted garden where lots of small folk wander around busily]
Mike: "Wowww! Oompah loompahs! I've heard all about them!"
Willie: "Oompah whah? Them's Young Fianna Failers. They spend years here learning how to turn words into pure honest-to-goodness slurry for the public to choke on."
Verruca: "Ewww. So that's what the brown river is."
Willie: "Exactly. Stay well back from that."
Augustus' Ma: "Nein! Mein gott! Augustus! Nicht drinken die poopenschtuffen!"
[Augustus tumbles in after a brief bout of slurping]
Willie: "Oh for Jaysus sake." [shouting at random midget] "Lads, I thought ye prepped all these langers."
Midget: "We did boss; we did tell you that Augustus Poop was a scat lover."
Willie: "Fuck me hah? I thought ye said cat lover. Ah well. Take his Ma down to the press room to pick Gus up in handbag-sized portions. Everyone else, follow me."

[later]
Willie: "So in this next room, we have our most secretive chucklehead inventions. Behold!"
Violent: "Wow! Look at this! It's Conor Lenihan's head!"
Willie: "Ha ha ha, fair bollocks to you Violent, it's a replica! This is part of our new strategy to educate the public on the importance of healthy eating. Press his nose there. Go on!"
[Violent reluctantly presses Conor's nose]
Conor's head: [bzzt!] "Never mind the kebabs! Stick with the fruit and vegetables."
Willie: "Good man Conor! Now look over here."
Mike: "Wow! It's a yummy-looking baked ham!"
Willie: "No, that's a John O'Donoghue replica head. Still at the prototype stage. We're still trying to get him to do anything other than dither when you press his nose."
Verruca: "Whoa! A karate-pose action man!"
[Verruca contemplates a balding action figure with glasses]
Willie: "Ah yes! That's Michael McDuel. Go on there, hit him a belt!"
[Verruca thumps him; the figure folds his arms and reclines]
McDuel: [bzzt!] "Typical of Sinn Fein/IRA to bully a plastic balding
figurine with glasses."
Willie [rolls eyes]: "Right! Onwards!"

[later]
Willie: "So anyway, most of us in the chucklehead factory take a gullop of this fizzy stuff before even thinking about gassing on to the media. Not very exciting, so let's head on to the next bit."
[Charlie and Grampa Joe remain behind]
Charlie: "It is now my opinion that Charlie and Grampa should take a swig."
Grampa: "Game ball, Charlie!"
[they both have a swig and begin rising slowly]
Charlie: "Finally, Charlie is a bird!"
Grampa: "I'm superman!"
Charlie: "Yes Anne; local sources would have me revise my initial statement; I can now assert that I am a plane!"
[Grampa spots the huge fan that is about to mince them]
Grampa: "I'm....ah shite Charlie, the fan! We'll be chopped up into little-bitty pieces!"
Charlie: "Indeed, the advice would now seem to be....burp. Burp and this may-"
Grampa: [burp]
[Grampa begins to descend]
Charlie: "...have an arresting effect on the...."
Grampa: [burp] "Burp Charlie! Quick!"
Charlie: "...unprecedented rise in...."
Grampa: "Charlie!"
[Charlie is decapitated by the fan]
Grampa: [burp] "Charlie! Your head! Are you okay?"
Charlie: "..."
Grampa: [burp] "Hang in there Charlie, we're nearly back to earth!"
[they touch back down]
Grampa: "Phew! Close one. C'mon Charlie, you're down a head but that never stopped you before!"

[later]
Willie: "Behind this next door is where you will confront your innermost
fears. Only the bravest will not flinch. The rest of you may never again
enjoy peace of mind."
[Willie swings open the door to reveal Padraig Flynn strapped to an upright
gurney]
All: "EWWWWWW!"
[Padraig eyes them contemptuously]
Violent: "I hate the way he keeps staring at me!"
Verruca: "He's staring at ME, dingus!"
Willie: "Easy lads, easy! He could well be starin' at the two of ye at the
same time."
Violent: "He's ogling ME!"
Verruca [rolling up sleeves]: "Right, let's sort this."
[Violent and Verruca wrestle before knocking over the gurney]
Padraig: "Aaaiiieee! Unleash Beverly!"
[Beverly emerges from a trap-door and sets upon the brawling pair]
Padraig: "Kill Beverly, kill!"
[skin and hair fly]
Willie: "Ah, right lads, we'll....we'll move on."
[they make a sharp exit]

[later]
Willie: "Right! This here x-ray machine is being tested for to tell us when reporters is meeting us and the crafty hoors has hidden microphones. Mike, if you wouldn't mind standing in front of it there."
[Mike steps in front of the x-ray]
Willie: "Now we can see....sweet Jesus-" [beckons random midget] "Take a look in there and tell me what the fuck's goin' on. Why is that young lad wearin' wimmin's kaks?"
Midget: "Boss, Mike TV is short for Mike Transvestite. We told you this last week."
Willie: "Fuck sake. Get him outta here, would you?"

[later]
Willie: "So, headless Charlie! It would appear that you are this year's winner of the Young Fianna Fail scholarship! Anything to say for yourself?"
Charlie: "...."
Grampa: "Ah, he's thrilled. Thrilled."
Willie: "Good stuff. I can see he's well suited to this kind of work."