[scene; Clay is out in his back yard thrashing a rug with a dead possum when he spots a horseman a-coming]
Clay: "Hmmmmmm, a horseman a-comin'. Clay best get his ole horseshoe, yessuh."
[the rider dismounts; it is Mayor Malone. Clay holds his horseshoe ready to throw, frisbee-style]
Mayor: "Hey Clay, it's okay! Y'all put that horseshoe down now, y'heeyah?"
Clay: "Hmmm, okay. I guess I...WON'T!"
[Clay flings the horseshoe, removing the Mayor's hat]
Mayor: "Phew! Gash durnit Clay, y'all was always a good shot with that thang."
Clay: "Yeah, guess so. So what y'all want with me, Mayor?"
Mayor: "Oh Clay, the sheeyat's done really hit the fan! They's a bunch a hooligans plaguin' us down there in Arid Scrote. They all come a-ridin into town every evenin', a whoopin' and a hollerin'. Then they all double-park they hosses and git drunk in the saloon an then they gets ornery and they starts pukin' and fightin'."
Clay: "Hmmmm. Sounds like you got yisself some Irish trouble. And it sounds like Clay heeyuh is the only man what can help. Ain't a paddy been born yet what likes a horseshoe in the face."

[click]
RTE had "The Late Late show". Pat's first guest was Alanis Morrisette.

Pat: "So Alanis, welcome to Ireland."
Alanis: "Thanks."
Pat: "Let me start by asking - does it upset you when you're going through customs and they ask you if you're the leader of a terrorist group which spreads chaos and panic by flatulating in confined spaces?"
Alanis: "I'm sorry?"
Pat: "Heh heh heh [snort]. So you're not the leader of [elbows Alanis] AL-ANUS?"
Alanis: "No...no, not that I'm aware of."
Pat [composing himself]: "Ah yes. Ahem! Anyway Alanis, you must be delighted to hear that your latest album has shot straight to the top of the Irish charts!"
Alanis [brightening]: "It has?"
Pat: "NO! Hah hah hah hah! [elbowing Alanis again] Isn't that ironic?"
Alanis [glaring at Pat]: "NO. No it is NOT ironic."
Pat: "Ah yeah, you're right. It's just shit. Kind of like all that other stuff you sang about in that awful song."

[click]
TV3 had a low-budget movie about a small American town where the kids got hooked on heroin

[scene; Buck drives his pickup to the 7-11 and stops outside. He sits there for forty minutes in silence. Eventually his friend Jimmy pulls up beside him]
Buck: "Hey."
Jimmy: "Hey."
Buck [suddenly]: "WHOAAHHHHH."
Jimmy: "What? What dude?"
Buck: "Your fender is like...rusting up."
Jimmy: "Ah man! I spent all last week's allowance on primer, man! Thought I got it all. [craning through window] "You sure?"
Buck: "Yeah dude, right there I can see like, a spot."
Jimmy: "Sheesh dude, that ain't rust, that's buzzard poop."
Buck [swabs finger and tastes it]: "Hmmp, yeah dude, you're right."

[click]
Network 2 had "Alive"

Antonio [waking up in wreckage]: "Hey man, we're alive!"
Roberto: "Yeah! We made it!"
Javier: "Woohoo! We-hey wait man, what'll we do for food? We're stuck here on top of this fucking mountain man."
Mrs.Solana: "Ohhhh. Ohhh thee pain! I cannot feel my leg!"
Antonio: "Hey man, someone stop her panicking. It makes the meat all stringy and tough."
Roberto: "What? What'd you say?"
Antonio: "Nothing, man."

[click - back to TG4]
[Midnight in Arid Scrote. Clay faces down the hoodlum leader, Mad Drunken Jack O'Connors in the middle of the street]
Jack: "Put that feckin' banana down lad. Ye'll have someone's eye out."
Clay: "This here ain't no banana. This here's tin justice for you."
Jack: "Issa tin of something for me? Great! I have the munchies something fierce and we done shot up Marv's kebab stall."

[click back to RTE]
Pat: "...and now I'm delighted to welcome Jeremy Beadle who will talk to us all about his battle with cancer and his struggle to keep a smile on his warped little whiskery puss."
Jeremy: "Hello Pat, delighted to be back on the show!" [proffering hand]
Pat: "The other hand if you don't mind Jeremy."
Jeremy: "Oh, right! So I first discovered I had cancer in 1998 and I said to myself I said 'Jeremy, you can't-"
Pat: "Did you ever hear the name Alanis and think TERRORIST FART ATTACK?"

[click back to TV3]
Buck [addressing kindergarten class]: "So to all you young folk, I would say this - stay offa drugs. They shore messed up my November, and I ended up chowing on cold turkey for thanksgiving."

[click back to Network 2]
Antonio: "So, you see - by making a paste from boiled aeroplane seat foam and urine, we have a simple yet effective marinade which maybe tastes of saffron? Essential when you're planning on a menu which relies on parts from the more muscular members of the flight."