[Video clip: Richie stands outside a house]
Richie: “Oh me girlfriend has a pussy, a lovely pussy now, an everytime I rubs it, she goes miaow-”
[Richie’s girlfriend opens the door with a cat in her arms; the video pauses]

J.Kelly: “Miranda – Kavanagh wastes no time in drawing us into his world.”
Miranda: “Indeed John. This is where Kavanagh excels; his marriage of the visual and the lyrical results in the immediate construction of a rich and multi-faceted canvas.”

[the video resumes]
Richie: “She has a lovely pussy, I seen it in her house, I did I seen her pussy cat, A gobble up a mouse-”
[Richie grabs the cat; the video pauses again]

J.Waters: “Here we see Kavanagh saying ‘Hear me, woman! I am Man and I will take charge of this domestic housecat to do with what I please’. It is the artist’s attempt to portray a reversal of the modern trend of uppity women.”
[Miranda glares at Waters; the video resumes]

Richie: “HO!”
[Richie boots the cat up the arse, sending it through a window]

J.Kelly: “Intriguing. Kavanagh puts the age-old conflict between man and beast to bed with some panache.”
Sam: “Gaaaa…..are we not looking at…a corpulent dungaree-clad buffoon engaging in appalling animal cruelty while regaling us with vacuous lavatorial guff?”
J.Kelly: [sigh] “Notwithstanding Sam’s negativity, I would now ask the panel to see if they take a Brendan Shine to the following.”

[Video clip: A giant piano accordion appears. As the camera moves in, it suddenly sprouts arms and legs and a bobbly head]
Brendan: “Oh you can’t bate a lovely carrot, hoho don’t you even try, you can have one with a parrot, that you shot down from the sky.”

[the video pauses]
J.Kelly: “Shine on you crazy diamond. Thoughts John?”
J.Waters: “Fantastic. Brendan’s juxtaposition of the commonplace and the absurd is legendary. Here he would have us feast on root vegetable and exotic bird! Cerebral lampoonery at its finest.”
Miranda: “Missing the glaring subtext again, John? Shine brandishes his orange phallus at a beautiful, but fallen woman.”
Sam: “Aaaaaaa….”

[the video resumes]
Brendan: “I love my big ole carrot, sure didn’t I pull it from the ground, and I had it with some butter, 'tween two spuds nice and round.”

J.Kelly: “Wow. Last Tango in Ballinasloe anyone?”
Miranda: “Surely we have more to offer than this sex-crazed misogynistic accordionist?”
J.Waters [tuts]: “Oh Miranda. Only a woman could interpret such mellifluous facetiousness as chauvinistic effrontery.”
[Miranda throws her drink at Waters; he punches her in the face; they wrestle each other to the floor]

J.Kelly: “Robust debate, eh? Sam, you’ve been rather low-key this evening. Any further insights into Shine or Kavanagh?”
Sam [baffled] : “Aaaaa.....gaaaaaa……”
J.Kelly: “-doo doo doo, push pineapple shake the tree! Yes, next week we address Black Lace; their politics, their postmodernism and above all, their fruitless efforts to convince the world that they weren’t just a pair of tuneless bongoheads.”
[Sam walks out shaking his head; credits roll]