Jimbob: "What was that?"
Mossy: "What?"
Jimbob: "That....eerie popping noise?"
Mossy: "Ah, that! That was just me bellybutton transitioning from inny to outy. I feel like I've been to the fookin' taxidermist. Give your mother a call there; it's not safe leaving me this close to the fire."
Jimbob: "Get off yer arse and move yerself. And get the box of roses when yer up."
Mossy: "Fook sake."
[Mossy moves his seat to a safe distance and opens the tin]
Mossy: "Uh-oh."
Jimbob: "What NOW? I'm tryin' to watch Wonka."
Mossy: "There's only ten choccies left."
Jimbob: "That's grand, I only want a few. Wait a minute. How.....how many of those are coffee cremes?"
Mossy [looking up fearfully]: "Nine."
[they look at each other for what seems like an eternity; a cow moos in the distance]
Jimbob: "Then I think we got ourselves.....a situation here."
[Jimbob leaps from his chair and crosses the room in slow-motion]
Jimbob: "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
[coffee cremes whizz by him in bullet time]
Jimbob: "FOOOOOOOOOKINNNNN-"
[one hits him in the nose; he collapses sideways onto the sofa]
Jimbob: "OW! ME FOOKIN' HOOTER! DA YERRA BOLLICKS."
[Mossy scoffs the last caramel barrel]
Mossy: "Allsh fair-" [munch] "-in luffanwar young Jimbob."

Jeremy: "As you can see Willum, it's heavy going. But then, it's never a walk in the park when you're dealing with the dark seedy underbelly of Christmas with your family."
Willum: "Indeed. Right then; onto 'The Constant Gardener' with Mel Gibson. Any good?"
Jeremy: "Oh man, it's a cracker; another butternut-squashbuckler from Mel Gibson who stars and directs. Mel plays a quiet Welsh man called Daffyd Ucke who lost his wife and children in a big shopping mall a few years ago, and now just wants to be left in peace to tend his garden. But this doesn't fit in with the plans of ruthless property developer Count Fwappington Smythe (played by Alan Rickman). He rules the town with an iron fist, and wants Daffyd to sell up so he can build a massive complex of aluminium apartment blocks on that very spot."
Willum: "My goodness. Them English, up to no good again. So what happens?"
Jeremy: "Well, Daffyd politely declines at first, since he wants to concentrate on his herbs and veggies. So Count Fwappington sends in the heavies - they hop into his garden at night, and uproot his parsnips."
Willum: "Not the parsnips! So does Mel turn into Braveheartichoke then?"
Jeremy: "Nope, he just replants cause y'know, he's such a peace-loving chap. But the heavies come back, and this time they make shite of Harry, Daffyd's prize-winning marrow! In this clip, we see Daffyd emerging from his house the morning after."

Daffyd [whistling]: "Kum-by-yaaa, milord, kum-by-yaaa....hello?" [spotting the open gate] "Someone's been actin' the bollocks, hey? HOLY MUTHA, ME MARROW!"
[Daffyd staggers over to his mangled vegetable as a heart-rending orchestral score is played]
Daffyd: "No. No, nononononono, not Harry."
[Daffyd wells up]
Daffyd [sniff]: "You'll be alright Harry. We'll....we'll get yer patched up."
[Daffyd tries stuffing some of the marrow innards back in, but soon gives up]
Daffyd: "Fookin'.....BASTAADS killed Harry."
[Daffyd stares pure hatred into the camera]

Willum: "Those rapscallions! I'll bet they get some beeting."
Jeremy: "They sure do - this next clip is where Daffyd turns up at Fwappington's castle."

Daffyd [hammering on large door]: "Open up Fwappington! It's your thyme."
Fwappington [from inside]: "Hah! We thought you'd turnip sooner or later."
Daffyd: "This herbie's fully loaded. I've got rocket and a pumpkin-action shotgun!"
Fwappington: "Lettuce alone! Or we'll cauliflower help!"
Daffyd: "Hoe hoe hoe! Your arse is grarse!"

Willum: "Ah...corny yet enjoyable. So last but not least, it's onto 'Kiss kiss bang bang'. What did you make of this one Jeremy?"
Jeremy: "Well Willum, this is based in Caherciveen in 1957 and deals with the trials and tribulations of a small farmer called Ned as he attempts to persuade his pregnant daughter's lothario to reconsider his imminent trip to England and freedom. The film is actually called 'Kiss Kiss or Bang Bang', that being the ultimatum delivered by a blunderbuss-wielding Ned as he struggles to keep his twitchy trigger-finger under control."
Willum: "We'll take some snippets so. Roll it there."

Mary: "Da! Da, I'm pregnant."
Ned: "Pregnant, hah? Your mother caught that once. Sure go to bed and bring the hot-water bottle. I'll drop up some buttermilk later on."
Mary: "Eh...Da, I think we should have that little talk."
[later]
Ned: "By Christ, someone's gonna pay for this. I don't want no trouble, but trouble's just the thing that's come a-calling courtesy of Mary's bump there."

[later; Shaggy stares down the wrong end of Ned's blunderbuss]
Shaggy: "Ned boy. Would you ever put that thing down."
Ned [struggling to retain his composure]: "Yeah. Yeah, I'll bet that's just what young Mary said to you, and you advancing on her with your yoke in your paw and no-good in either eye."
Shaggy: "Ah Ned you have it all wrong boy! She laced my whiskey with poteen and put angel dust in my snuff! It's a miracle she was able to get up on me at all!"
Ned: "You shut your filthy mouth! I do have the poteen and angel dust under lock and key, so there's no way she coulda got in."
Shaggy: "Jesus Ned, I had a head on me for a fortnight after it. Not to mention a bad old twinge in me undercarriage."
Ned [cocking gun]: "You're talkin' yourself into a shoulder-level haircut Shaggy boy. Now put them ferry tickets down and book yourself a nice tuxedo cause Mary's in a marrying mood."
Shaggy: "No! I'll not do it."
Ned [twitching]: "You're forcing my hand here Shaggy. Head or no head, you're a married man."
Shaggy: "Never!"
[Shaggy runs for it; Ned shoots his head off]
Ned: "Now so! C'mon Son, let's go home."
[Ned heads home with Shaggy's headless corpse over his shoulder]

Willum: "Violent and poignant. A nice way to end this week's show."