Stabler: "Nice."
Billy: "Ah yeah, that's what we thought as they ushered us out of the room. We came back in and there they were, dressed as Lapps and doing a little dance."
Stabler: "Oh, I'll bet that made you mad. Made you want to drop a bowling ball on her head right there, huh?"
Billy: "Not at all! I actually thought it was quite clever, until Fiona says 'Why what's the matter? This is how they dance in Lapland'. You know, treating us like complete morons - as if we didn't already know what they were up to."
Stabler: "Ooooh, that must have made you mad."
Billy: "Yeah, no-one likes to be treated like a moron. But I got over it, and thought that was the end of it."
Stabler: "But it wasn't."
Billy: "No. She rang me the following day at work and said I'd be getting a pork chop for my dinner that evening. Fair enough, I thought, I like an auld pork chop. So I walked into our apartment around 7pm and it seemed like there was no-one home. I was calling her name on the way into the kitchen when the mad bitch ambushed me. Just as I cleared the door, she swung a length of black pudding and hit me in the neck. Down I went, winded like, and she stands over me and says 'Why, what's the matter? I told you you'd be getting a pork chop for dinner'. That's when I started getting worried."
Stabler: "So you killed her then? Huh?"
Billy: "No! She helped me up and apologised and said she'd make it up to me the following night - said we'd go out. I had my doubts, but tried to be optimistic."
Stabler: "Mindless optimism. Heard it all before."
Billy: "I suppose so - same thing again, arrived back to the apartment thinking she'd be ready to turn around and go out. Only to find her lying on the floor, shooting a stream of urine in the air. At this stage I'm thinking about calling the cops when she looks up and says 'Why what's the matter? I said we'd go for a pissup'. I stormed out."
Stabler: "Instead of having it out with her there and then?"
Billy: "Well, I didn't want to slip on the tiled floor."
Stabler: "Fair enough. So how long did this go on for?"
Billy: "Oh, I had a month of it - she says 'I'm going to put the cat out', I say 'Cool', she grabs a fire extinguisher and runs outside to where Mister Fluffy is lying in a smouldering heap..."
Stabler: "Hmmmmm...."
Billy: "I arrive home all stressed out and she says 'I'll draw you a bath', I say 'Cool', she grabs a pen and starts sketching...."
Stabler: "Billy, Billy, calm down."
Billy: "So eventually I decide it's my go! I'm in the kitchen and I say 'I'm having some icecream. Do you want a bowl?'"
Stabler: "Ah. And that's when you dropped the 16lb murder weapon on her head."
Billy: "Yep."
Stabler: "Billy, we'll do everything we can to get you off this one."
Billy: "You will? You mean the charges might be dropped?"
Stabler: "Huh? No. You're sitting on my seat. That's a little joke."
Billy: "Oh. Good one."