Babs: "Eh....yeah, well that was back in the golden age of 'Cawwy on', when-"
Hector: "Ah yeah, there was some carry on back then alright! And you makin' whoopee with Sid James!"
Babs: "Awh yes, Sid was such a dear-"
Hector: "I'll bet he was! Begod, if his face was that wrinkly I can just imagine his-"
Babs: "IF you'll excuse me, I fink I'm needed elsewhere on set."
Hector: "Ah Peggy, wait!"
Babs: "Steve, Woss! Can you...escoht this gentleman out of the pub please? He's stawtin' to upset me."
Hector: "Wait Babs! One last thing - if yourself and Dolly Parton were both tryin' to squeeze onto a bus around 1970, who'd get in and who'd be bounced out backwards? Babs! [addresses camera] No lads, she's gone. Hang on, ah class! Here come McFadden and Kemp, the dreaded Mitchell brothers!"
Steve: "Woh you been sayin' to Babs?"
Hector: "MITCHELL POSSE IN DA HOUSE! YO! Yo Phil-man."
Steve: "Ah yew mental?"
Hector: "Hey, it's cool, it's cool, I was only askin' yer Ma about the history of the bar here."
Steve: "She's not my Mum, but she is a good friend."
Ross [eyes bulging]: "Ay Very. Good. Friend."
Hector [to camera]: "Looks like Hector might be in for a kickin' here lads, what d'ye reckon?"
Steve: "Naffink worse than a paddy with attitude in the Queen Vic."
Ross: [cracks knuckles]
Hector: "Lads, over there! Looks like your better halves are comin' and they look right narky."
[Kemp and McFadden duck behind the bar]
Hector: "Exit Hector, stage right!"
[Hector runs out into the square]
Hector: "Right lads, methinks Hector should pay Johnny Allen a visit, hah?" [more rapper moves]

[click]
Onto "Fair City" on RTE1. This truly is the pride of our national broadcaster; a home-grown soap that's not afraid to tackle the issues that are now wholeheartedly part of Irish society. Young couples finding the path to true love hindered by the Russian mafia. The frustration faced by a pill-addicted doctor whose wife was schtupping her brother before deciding to write a best-selling novel about it. We all know someone who's been through situations like these.
Besides, it certainly makes a change from ten years ago:

[Fair City 1995: Harry is on the left, Barry is on the right]
Harry: "Story Barry."
Barry: "Ah, Harry, howyeh. C'mere, did yeh...sort that trouble with the sailor fella?"
Harry: "Ah yeah, I did, I did. Cock-eyed little bollix kept accusin' me of eyein' up his moll. Some lass called Olive Oyl."
Barry: "Shockin' Harry, shockin'."
Harry: "Yeah, I know. Kept callin' me Bluto as well despite me tellin' him I hadn't had a drop. Started gettin' real physical then, so I hit him a belt in the mush."
Barry: "Go way. And what'd he do then?"
Harry: "Awh jaysus, now it gets weird. He pulls out this can of spinach claimin' he's gonna eat it and kick me arse up and down the quays."
Barry: "Spinach? Sounds like all his dogs wasn't barkin'. So what'd yeh do?"
Harry: "Ah he didn't have a can-opener so I took it off him and threw it in the Liffey. Then I walloped him again."

[Fair City 2005: it's a busy night in hot nightclub 'Le Swish' and Lorcan is behind the bar]
Lorcan: "YEAH HEAD, WHAT'S YER ORDER?"
Russian Mafia dude: "I am......" [sneers] "Vladimir."
Lorcan: "WHA? YEAH YEAH, I'M GLAD YER HERE TOO. NOW WHAT'S YER ORDER?"
Russian Mafia dude: "No! I...." [sneers again] "...am Russian."
Lorcan: "IN A HURRY, WHA? NO TIME FOR A BEVVY THEN?"
Russian Mafia dude [sigh]: "Okay then, I vill haff wodka."
Lorcan: "WHA?!?!!?"
Russian Mafia dude [getting frustrated]: "WODKA WODKA WODKA!"
Lorcan [turning to bouncer]: "Here you, throw Fozzy Bear out before he wastes any more of me bleedin' time."

[click]
Network 2 had "Ryan Confidential". What could be more interesting than watching Gerry Ryan and Ronan Keating enjoying a meal and shooting the breeze? Ryan was originally meant to interview Twink, but the poor dear had an
accident while chasing cars in Phibsboro last week and had to cancel.
Gerry: "So. Ronan. Tell us about....about the fallout with Louis Walsh. Tell us about how Bad it was. Tell us about how Angry it made you and....how you think Walsh is only an old Bollocks. Yeah...only an old Bollocks, wha?"
[Gerry mops his brow and pikes a wedge of steak into his cavernous maw]
Ronan: "Ah yeah Gerry, it was bad alright."
[Ronan nibbles a chicken nugget; Gerry gestures for him to continue since he's still got a mouthful of cow to get through]
Ronan: "And yeah, he is only....a bollocks!"
[Ronan beams at his pottymouthedness]
Gerry: "And what about those rumours about a certain Mister Kennedy. How...how Mad did they make you? How much....how much Pressure did it put on your marriage?"
Ronan: "Ah Gerry, it was tough. When the Sunday Indo claimed I was the face on the grassy knoll, I suddenly found people not returning my phonecalls. I had to-"
Gerry: "Ah....I was actually.....talking about a different Kennedy."
[Gerry palms half a dozen potato wedges into his gob]

[click]
Onto "Desperate houses" on TV3. This is a new reality-style property-meets-fashion show presented by Duncan Biscuit and Caroline Moraham, where sad, unattractive houses are given a complete makeover and a new start in life.
Duncan [in his usual state of permanent astonishment]: "Yes. Yes. I believe tonight we are going to meet a frumpy bungalow from Ballybunion called Maura. Maura has been sitting vacant for the past four years, but that's going to change over the next few days, yes indeed. As we look around inside Maura, we see magnolia walls, old lino on the floor and OH! [Duncan crosses himself] those ghastly doggy poker paintings. Now let's head out front to meet Caroline."
Caroline [in her usual state of permasmile]: "Thanks Duncan. Well, Maura! Aren't you just the cutest little pudgy little bungalow!" [tweaks doorknob] "I think we'll start with an industrial defoliant and follow it up with some fumigation! Then we'll toss out those carpets and buff up those floors to see the real, vibrant Maura underneath all that drabness! What do you think, pet?"

[click]
Back to TG4.
Hector is back in the Queen Vic with Sonia and Martin.
Hector: "So, you were sayin' how yer fiancee got run down by some langer."
Sonia: "Yeah. It was a really tragic scene and we had to work really-"
Hector: "And yet Sonia ends up playin' hide the sausage with the same langer! Is that not really stupid lads now, come on?"
Martin: "On paper yes, but if you see how the plot develops then-"
Hector: "I dunno lads, I dunno. So Martin - is it tough having an on-screen partner who looks like Alice the goon?"
[Sharon walks in]
Hector: "Holy moly! Look who it is. Hoyah! Is Kermit the frog with you?"
[Hector runs from the pub again; this time an angry mob is in hot pursuit]
Hector: "Hoho, they're a right cranky lot in the east end lads so tis time for Hector to make good his escape! Slan libh!"
[Dot Cotton drives round the corner and mows Hector down]
Dot: "Oh my. Oooh I say, what's that 'orrible young man doin' under my bonnet?"
Sonia: "I fink he's dyin' Dot. I fink he's dyin."
[everyone laughs and retires to the Queen Vic for a celebratory drink]

[click]
Back to "Fair City".
Christy holds the fort in his corner shop as he waits on his mother to return from the cash and carry.
Eunice: "Okay Christy, coo-eee! I'm back!"
Christy [sigh]: "Right Ma. D'you need a hand?"
Eunice: "Not at all. So now! I have 'Resource-rich and time-poor in 21st century Ireland', 'America's role in the middle east', 'Working mums and bratty kids' and loads more."
Christy: "Ma, I asked you to pick up a box of topics. Topics is chocolate bars, yeh dozy old trout."
Eunice: "Oh! How silly of me!"

[click]
Back to "Ryan Confidential".
Ronan is playing his gameboy; Gerry is slumped unconscious on the table after consuming two bottles of Barolo, a 24oz steak, three portions of potato wedges and most of Ronan's chicken nugget feast. Ryan's snores are interspersed with an occasional burst of somnolent flatulence.
Ronan [beckoning waiter]: "Bill please. Eh...himself is paying."

[click]
Back to "Desperate houses".
Caroline: "Oh Maura, you're the sexiest bungalow in town!" [tweaks doorknob again] "How many bungalows do YOU know that can boast a 'Willem De Kooning does Honolulu sunset on psilocybin' theme, Duncan?"
Duncan: "Oh very few Caroline, very few. Let's savour that flavour again."
[they step inside; the interior looks like an army of epileptics was let loose with paintguns during an earthquake]
Duncan: "Faaaaabulous. Fantastic."
Caroline: "I'm so happy for you Maura!" [hugs wall]

[click off]