Joe: "...the Willie O'Dea thing just isn't going to rest; onto Maisie on line 1."
Maisie: "Hello Joe. Oh, this whole thing has me fierce upset. You see, I had an accident last week where I set a mug of tea down on the control panel of my Barry McGuigan treadmill and ended up tumbling backwards off it and down the stairs. So I'm not in good shape, especially considering my head went through the catflap and I was stuck there for an hour until I managed to clamp my teeth around Bonzer's leg and thanks be to the lord Jesus, his yelps attracted the attention of a passing immigrant who was distributing LIDL fliers and I was set free."
Joe: "Shocking stuff, Maisie. But onto Dirty Willie, as they're calling him."
Maisie: "Well anyway Joe, my arm is in a cast-"
Joe: "Macbeth, is it?"
Maisie: "Hah?"
Joe: "Deh......cast, y'know, cast of a play. It's a joke Maisie, a joke."
Maisie: "Ah yeah. So anyway, my arm is in a cast and my neck is in a brace and-"
Joe [sings]: "My heart is in Ireland....tis where....I long tooo be...."
Maisie: "Joe, can I finish my point? Please Joe!"
Joe: "Sorry Maisie, go right ahead."
Maisie: "So I used my good hand to open the paper this morning, not expecting to see this hairy bollock shoving a gun in my face. So natural instinct kicked in and both hands shot up into the air and now the bad arm is completely banjaxed and the cast is all cracked."
Joe: "Ah terrible Maisie, terrible. Did you dial in with your nose?"
Maisie: "I'll not stay to be mocked Joe. Good day sir!"
Joe: "Ah, some people."

[later]
Joe: "Onto Bernard on line 1."
Bernard: "JOE! Howya Joe. Lissen Joe, I was in Vietnam. I know guns."
Joe: "Go on."
Bernard: "If Willie O'Dea, or any man for that matter, if any of them pointed a gun at me, do you know what I'd do Joe?"
Joe: "Haven't the foggiest Bernard."
Bernard: "I'd duck and roll Joe, duck and roll. To the side, like. Then I'd pick up my camouflaged M4 and shoot the legs off him. That'd bring him down to my level. Then I'd bite the nose clean off his face."
Joe: "Impressive. What about the moustache?"
Bernard: "I'd ate that and all."
Joe: "Good man Bernard. Rock on!"

[later]
Joe: "Onto Maurice on line 2."
Maurice: "Joe! This is just more homoerotic content being shoved at us by them Godless bastards in Montrose! I don't want my children opening the newspaper only to see a suspicious-looking man with a so-called moustache pointing his so-called gun and giving them a so-called smile."
Joe: "The Irish Times isn't printed in Montrose, but it's a good point anyway Maurice. It is a bit sexy isn't it?"
Maurice: "Oh fierce. But sexy in a wrong way Joe. Wrong sexy, if you get my point."
Joe: "Hoho, I imagine lots of nice men would like to 'get your point' Maurice."
Maurice: "Hoho yourself Joe, you're a gas man altogether. Anyway! Jesus what was I talking about. Oh yeah, Darina Allen. I don't want her daughter-in-law on my television screen with her horrible accent. It puts me right off my food."
Joe: "Good man Maurice. We'll leave it there."