Joe: "...more calls coming in on this herbal viagra alternative called Shergara, whose rather crude tagline is 'Horse it into me boss'. Okay, we have Maureen on line 1."
Maureen: "Hello Joe. I'd be a bit nervous now about this, but I have to speak out."
Joe: "Good stuff Maureen. Bravery. Bravery is what we like here on liveline."
Maureen: "Okay. Well, meself and DenJoe decided we'd try Shergara cause things had been a bit quiet in the bedroom department of late. Sure, last time he got excited in bed was when the top came off the hot-water bottle and scalded eight of his toes. He couldn't dance for a week."
Joe: "I see. So how did you get on?"
Maureen: "Oh Joe, high hopes is what we had. We decided that the best time to take the Shergara tablet would be when the children were in bed. So when the last of them was packed off, twas down the hatch with it. Himself got fierce into it; off he went into the bedroom and didn't he come out wearing a loincloth, insisting I call him Tarzan."
Joe: "Lord of the apes."
Maureen: "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I still love him Joe. Anyway, didn't he throw me over his shoulder and start up the oak tree beside the house!"
Joe: "God almighty."
Maureen: "Oh I know, fierce romantic. But sure that's when the trouble started; half-way up, the loincloth got caught on a branch. Himself had only the one hand to free it, but his frantic efforts only attracted the attention of a squirrel."
Joe: "Oh dear. I think I know where this is going."
Maureen: "You'd be right Joe, didn't the horrible thing go straight for his nuts. And sure a man of his age would have some difficulty in fending off a crotch-bound rodent while he's half-way up an oak tree with his wife over his shoulder."
Joe: "Can't argue with you there. So what happened?"
Maureen: "Well, he seemed to be getting the upper hand until I started getting these debilitating abdominal cramps. I let an awful moan out of me just before the explosive flatulence kicked in. Sure God love him, he took most of it in the face with the result that we fell out of the tree."
Joe: "My God. And.....and were you badly hurt?"
Maureen: "Oh Joe, the doctor's report said they could use my arse in a ribena advert. Himself isn't much better. And all this because of Shergara."
Joe: "Truly shocking. But what about - wait, they're telling me that we have Derek Minge of Shergara Enterprises on line 2. Derek, welcome to the programme. Would you like to start by commenting on Maureen's experiences?"
Derek: "Hello Joe and thank you for affording me this opportunity to defend our product. Can I start by pointing out that Shergara is actually intended for use by men only; its only effect on women is to induce chronic flatulence."
Joe: "Surely this is obvious Derek, I mean - "
[Maureen's line goes dead]
Joe: "Ah. There goes Maureen. Okay, onto Bernard on line 3, hello Bernard."
Bernard: "Howya Joe. I'd ah...just like to give my Shergara story. The background here is that I'm a politician in the Tuam constituency, and last Tuesday night I was due to give a presentation which would outline the flaws in the manifesto of Barney Cooper, my main opponent."
Joe: "What does this have to do with Shergara?"
Bernard: "Gimme a second, will you! Anyway, since Shergara takes 2 hours to take effect, I decided I'd pop one at 8pm, give the presentation at 9pm and be home with a nice surprise for the missus at 10pm."
Joe: "Sounds reasonable Bernard, so what happened?"
Bernard: "Well Joe, I didn't expect the stupid thing to kick in an hour early as I stood in front of 300 people. My mouth was sayin' one thing but....my body language was sayin' another. They all left the hall thinkin' I had a right hard-on for Barney's policies, and now I'll probably lose my seat."
Derek: "Joe, I'd just like to point out that Shergara actually takes two hours to wear off."
Bernard: "Oh."
Joe: "God almighty. Ah, I think we'd better leave it there."