[a couple sit in "Le Clam Au Whiskers" on Dame street, having waited fifteen minutes for the waiter to finish a phonecall]
Waiter: "Yeah? Eh...I mean [snort] Wee?"
Man: "Sheesh! About time."
Waiter: "WHAT?"
Man: "Nothing, nothing, sorry. Look, can we order two omelettes and a bottle of house red?"
Waiter: "Spose."
[an hour later; two burnt offerings are ferried out, accompanied by a rather ornate bottle]
Waiter: "Right, there's yer food. There was no house wine left so I opened a sauvignon blanc."
Man: "Eh....but that's white wine. And I seem to recall it's one of the pricier bottles."
Waiter: "Yep, eighty four yoyos. And it's not like I can shove the bloody cork back in. Took me long enough to prise it out with me penknife. C'est la vie mon petit couchon!"
Man: "But that's a markup of twelve hundred percent! Och....alright then."
[later; they retire to a nearby hostelry with a much lighter wallet]
Man: "Pint of stout and a ginger ale please?"
Barkeep: "You sitting down or standing up?"
Man: "Huh?"
Barkeep [exasperated]: "IT'S EXTRA IF YER SITTIN' DOWN. And extra for the beermats too."
Man: [grinds teeth]

But like a bolt from the blue, Eddie Hobbs happened! It took one series of "Rip-off Republic" to give an almighty steel-toed hoof to the fat pudgy arse of politicians, restaurateurs, publicans, insurance companies and other bottom-feeders.

Eddie was unflinching in his investigations! No matter was too piddling, as we can see from this transcript of one of the saucier episodes.

[Scene: Two pairs of legs stick out from the bottom of a duvet; inebriated voices can be heard]
Michael: "Hur hur hur. Where d'you think I should stick this then?"
Michelle: "Oh aren't you the mucky one! [hic] Sure stick it in yer ear and pretend yer a petrol pump! [titter]"
Michael: "HuHURRRR!" [tarzan noises]

[The camera pans back; Eddie's head pops up between the wriggling feet and he whispers to the camera]
Eddie: "So far tonight, Michael has spent:

* €88 on a meal and drinks for Michelle
* €15 on tandoori-flavoured condoms in the pub toilet
* €25 on a hasty cab home
* €15 worth of booze from the drinks cabinet

and now here he is enjoying the fruits of his spending."

Michelle: "Hang on a minute! Did you hear something?"
Michael: "HAH? No. NO! Ah don't stop now!"
Michelle: "My God...you'll think I'm mad but I coulda swore I heard that Hobbs fella from off the telly."

[The rear wall of Michael's house is pulled away to reveal a studio audience. Eddie stands up from the foot of the bed to address them]

Eddie: "So here's Michael and he after spending a whopping €143 just to get Michelle into bed. Do we think that Michael is being ripped off?"
Audience: "YAAAY!"
Michelle: "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"
[Michelle ducks under the duvet; Michael bravely sticks his head up over the parapet]
Michael: "Now Eddie [burp], in my defence, I was only buyin' mixers when I was at the bar and toppin' them up with Greyhound-brand vodka from a flask in my inside pocket."
Audience: [laughter]
Michelle [from under duvet]: "YOU....CHEAP HOOR!"
Eddie: "Not bad Michael. But could he do better?"
Audience: "YES! YES! YES!"
Eddie: "You see Michael, by buying your ah...rubbery items in bulk from the North of Ireland, you could have reduced tonight's outlay by a staggering twenty-eight percent!"
Michael [sobering up]: "Go way."

Eddie [wandering into audience]: "Look at Francie here. Last year, Francie sent polaroids of his nether region to the then Minister for Enterprise, Mary Harney. A month later, the price of prophylactics in the vending machine in his local pub went down by a cranial-detonating thirty four percent!"
Francie: "They did? I only sent them photos to her cause I'm in love with her."
Eddie: "Good man Francie, sit back down now. And what if we look at booze! Despite his greyhound-brand protestations, Michael still doled out a whopping eighty-eight euro on the gargle for himself and Michelle! This is a far cry from six months ago when he was dating Josephine here."
Josephine: "Oh Eddie it's true."
Audience: "oooooOOOOOoooooo"
Michael: "Oh no. Not Josephine. What kinda stitch-up is this?"
Eddie: "Go on, Josephine."
Josephine: "Our nights out used be a disaster. Michael used to insist that we drink a litre of petrol before going out so we wouldn't have to spend so much on drink. Then the price of petrol went up and we went on the diesel. I reckon the oil crisis thing has sent him back to the booze."
Michael: "I treated you like....like a feckin' Rolls royce!"
Josephine: "Oh but you did alright. You used make me sleep in the garage so you wouldn't have to buy a double bed. I'd say the carthorse you have in under there is getting the proper treatment though."
Michelle [pops head out from under duvet]: "Who are you calling horse? Oh it's yourself; Michael told me about the time your face caught fire and he put it out with his shoe."
Josephine: "COW!"
[Josephine races towards the bed with a stool over her head; Eddie ducks out of the way]
Eddie: "There they go. Next week I'll be looking at medical expenses, which should interest the three people knocking lumps out of each other behind me. I'm Eddie Hobbs, this is Rip-off Ireland. Gud noite."