Roma: "No. I am Roma. Enya's mystical assistant and earthly translator."
Helena: "Translator?"
Roma: "nnnnYes. You see, while crafting her latest masterpiece, Enya decided that the English language was too restrictive so she wrote it using 'Loxian'. Loxian is the language of mystical space creatures who look down upon our world from space."
Helena: "Wow! Aliens! Terrific."
Roma: "We like to think so. Now come in; Enya is through here."
[Helena enters a massive drawing room; Enya sits on a throne made of glowing fibreoptic cables]
Helena: "Oh Enya, at last!"
Enya: "Skiffly pompom wankadoodle."
Helena: "Hah?"
Roma: "That means 'Hello earthling, sit down'."
Helena: "Oh! Right. Enya, if I could start by asking you about your new album 'Hammer and Tongs'. What inspired you to write an album about the horizontal jog? Apparently this stuff is so saucy it makes the Chili Peppers look like Cliff Richard's freshly-pressed undercrackers."
Enya: "Gonk?"
Roma: "We know not of what you speak. The new opus is entitled 'Amarantine' and deals with our complex relationship with the Loxians."
Helena: "Oh! Right-" [discards bundle of notes] "-I dunno how I got that idea. Can you tell me then about your reaction to Boxcar Willie, who this week claimed that the lyrics to 'Sorrow of the crystalline snowflake for its golden brethren' are a direct copy of the lyrics to 'Derelict site fight' from his notorious 'Beardy bowery ballads' album? Will you be taking up his challenge to engage in fisticuffs after splitting a case of bourbon?"
Enya [distressed]: "Phweeble brump?"
Roma: "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER."
Helena: "Ah poop. Look, okay, okay we're leaving. Can we just get a photo before we go? We did come a long way."
Roma: "Alright. Do you have vaseline?"
Helena: "Hang on now, we're not that desperate."
Roma [exasperated]: "It's for the lens, idiot. Enya is never photographed without an appropriate ethereal effect. Anyway, she's got a pimple on her chin. Now Enya, do you think you can manage a smile?"
Enya: "Glanktaint biffon clart! Flancase honkytonk."
Roma: "That's my brave girl. Now snap away."

Willum: "Fantastic work Helena. So did I also hear you mention Westlife?"
Helena: "Yep, Kian from Westlife has this week revealed that he and his girlfriend Jodie Mungbucket are converting to Buddhism! I caught up with him at his exclusive Sligo retreat and spoke to Jodie while Kian made the tea. Roll it there again."

[VT; Helena sits on a couch with Jodie]
Helena: "So Jodie. Tell us about your exciting conversion to buddhism! It must be exciting."
Jodie: "Oh but it's fierce exciting! Kian is all for it. Y'see, he was at a car-boot sale in Leitrim when he saw this hilarious little statue of a fat man holding his pee-pee! Naturally he bought it, but who would have known it was Buddha himself! So after I read up on it a little, I told Kian all about the little fat man."
Helena: "And he went for it?"
Jodie: "Absolutely! He's a very spiritual person, you know-"
Kian [from kitchen]: "HOYAH REPORTER! D'YOU HAVE ANY FAGS?"
Helena: "I'm sorry?"
Kian: "FAGS! CANCER-STICKS! BACCY SMOKES!"
Helena: "No, no I don't smoke, sorry."
Kian: "FUGGIT, AND ME GASPIN'."
Jodie: "Now Kian! Baccy smokes make pearly whites go turfy-coloured."
[Kian sulks]
Jodie: "So as I was saying, since he's such a spiritual person he had no problem accepting the teachings of 'Fat little pee-pee man' as he likes to call him."
Kian: "PLUS IT MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO MASS. LIE-INS ON A SUNDAY MORNING FOR KIAN FROM NOW ON HAH?"
Helena: "Nice."
Kian: "AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO FAT LITTLE PEE-PEE MAN. C'MERE, WHATCHOO MAKE OF YOUR MAN COMING OUT AS A GAYBO?"
Helena: "Mark? Well I think it's a tremendously brave admission since Ireland is still only-"
Kian: "I WANTED TO CALL THE NEW SINGLE 'YOU RAISE MY SHIRT UP' AS A JOKE LIKE, BUT THE LADS THOUGHT HE MIGHT GET CRANKY ABOUT IT."

Willum: "Gosh but he really is the brains of that particular outfit. So motor on, Helena - you said you had news on Chico from 'The X Factor'?"
Helena: "Indeed I do. Chico was of course one of the most popular acts in that series, despite sounding like a warthog having its testicles buffed up with an electric sander. Since his ejection from the show, he's been attempting to broaden his appeal and has played a number of muslim youth clubs in the north of England."
Willum: "The obvious target market for a performer like him."
Helena: "One would have thought so, but for an ill-judged performance at a club in Pickering last week. According to reports, Chico played a blinder and cantered out for his final encore on the back of a calf! Naturally, the crowd went wild, and that's when Chico started singing 'You can call me Halal' and sawing through the calf's neck. Sadly he didn't quite finish the job and was badly bitten in the groin, while the front of the crowd got bloodsoaked and severely traumatised."
Willum: "Fantastic! What a showman. So finally we get to the bottom of the kebab where all the crispy bits of raccoon-meat fell through the lettuce - the Take That interview."

Helena: "Yes indeed Willum, I've been waiting anxiously for this since they split in 1996! Roll it one more time."
[VT; Helena sits opposite the four members of Take That]
Helena: "So lads it's only brillunt to see you all back together, about to embark on a huge tour that you're all not doing for the money. Gary Barlow, if I could start with you - you were nine, you were crossing the road and the last thing your eyes focused on before that lorry hit you was the license plate. How much physiotherapy did it take for them to uncross? Did it really involve watching Jordan bounce topless on a trampoline for hours on end?"
Gary: "Eh?"
Helena: "Fair enough; I can understand your reticence to discuss it. Onto Mark Owen; Mark - when Gary called you up about this, did it feel like a rope had been thrown over the side of the bargain bin? Is it true you tripped over Vanilla Ice on the way and he grabbed your leg?"
Mark: "Eh Vaniller Ice is still a vewwy competent pehfomah who-"
Helena: "Fwee Wojah! Heh heh, my joke there Mark. Jason Orange; when you look at how the music business has evolved in the UK since 1996 and you consider the surge in popularity of shows like 'Pop Idol' and 'The X Factor', do you ever think 'You know what? I wish I wasn't named after a fucking fruit'."
Jason: "All the time! You get people throwing clementines and easi-peelers at you on the street, in July you get idiots in Celtic shirts calling you an orange bastard....it's tough Helena, really it is."
Helena: "I can imagine, pet. And finally Howard Donald; as Take That's dark horse, you frequently eschew the limelight and try to keep your personal life out of the media. To you I would say: Well done! No-one has a clue who you are or what the hell you've been doing for the past ten years. But sure you're here now and isn't that all that matters?"
Howard: "It is, Helena."

Willum: "Amazing. You just have this gift getting the most out of your interviewees. Bravo Helena and we'll see you again next week."