Curry Chips

Snackbox diaries would now like to salute RTE's flagship (well, only) soap opera "Fair City" for its unrelenting fortitude in tackling important social issues head on.

This time last year they did their bit for eating disorders. Each week we wondered if Jimmy (who's a bit dim) would cotton on to why his lubberly wife Robin was so found of the technicolor yawn.

[After a bad lunchtime curry, Jimmy rushes home to plonk his rump on the throne but finds Robin hunched over the bowl]
Robin: "Jimmy!" [wiping gob] "You're home!"
Jimmy: "Robin! Are yiz bein' sick there or wha?"
Robin: "Eh....no. No! I'm ah....cleaning the loo."
Jimmy: "With vomit?"
Robin: "Ummm....not just ordinary vomit Jimmy, this is new Vommit Bang! See those pesky stains around the inside of the bowl? Well Bang!" [Robin spews again] "..urgh...and the dirt is gone!"
Jimmy: "Wow. Thass great. C’mere, where did all these mars bar wrappers come from?"
Robin: "Oh, those! I ah...left the window open and they all blew in."
Jimmy: "Wow. Fancy that. Wait'll I tell the lads."
Robin: "Heh heh, yeah! Yeh think I'd try and pull the wool over your eyes Jimmy, sure you're too smart for me by far!"
Jimmy [points finger gun]: "You betcha!" [Jimmy adjusts his footing] "Ah...now if yeh wouldn't mind offering this seat to someone who needs it? And yeh might need some more of that Vommit Bang once I’m done in here….”

Snackbox diaries is proud to present its account of the recent "People in need" telethon which was graciously hosted by our national broadcaster, RTE.

And now it's over to studio one and our host, Mr Pat Kenny....

[Pat emerges from the wings dressed as a huge rasher sandwich and walks in front of a "TELETHON" backdrop; tremendous applause ensues]
Pat [waving plastic rashers]: "Thank you, thank you and welcome to a most special telethon. You might be wondering why I'm dressed like this. Are you wondering, missus? [pointing at nonexistent audience member] Oh yes, she's all curious! Well, I'm dressed like this because tonight we focus on the less well-off members of society who would do anything...[stares into camera]...just for a rasher sandwich."
[more applause]

The snackbox diaries is proud to present an epic tale of forbidden love in North Kerry in the 1990s; directed by Hang "Sandwich" Lee, "Brokenback Boreen" tells us of a love that dare not speak its name. Well, especially if it's the love between two farmers called Mossy and Brian and there's anyone else within earshot.

[opening scene: Mossy, now an old man, sits in a chair at the fireside recounting his sorry tale of lost love to his only nephew]
Narrator: It was late September when I saw him first. I remember it was September cause it was cold; as I stood outside the milking parlour that fateful morning, I remarked to no-one in particular that you could grate cheese off my scrotes. It was as I contemplated heading into the kitchen to get some cheddar that I first heard the sweet, succulent sound of him trying to extract his wellington from the muck on Brokenback Boreen. It's still...so clear to me even to this day...

And now....cast your mind back to 2002, if you can.

Channel 4 has found itself with an unlikely hit in "Nigella Bites", which uses good old fashioned poontang to turn the traditional cookery programme on its head. While Nigella eyes Channel 4 viewers and licks butterscotch seductively from a finger, RTE viewers must make do with Darina Allen as she coaxes walnut'n'prune stuffing into an uninviting turkey cavity.
We can now finally reveal a shocking transcript of the pilot episode commissioned by RTE with which they hoped to compete. Sadly, it never saw the light of day.

[Marty Whelan stands in front of three separate cooking areas]
Marty: "Hello and welcome to the first episode of 'Kiss my asparagus' where we let three plucky contestants battle it out over half an hour to be crowned 'King of the hot ring'! So without further ado, let's meet our first contestant shall we? His name is Benny and he's from Kerry!"