Pat: "And tonight with the help of some familiar faces, we're going to make those rasher sandwiches a reality!"
[the backdrop is removed to reveal a number of Irish celebrities sitting behind desks and phones]
Pat: "As you can see, our celebrities are manning the phones to take your donations and you might even [heh heh] see them doing some unusual things to earn those donations! Let's meet them, shall we?"
[Pat strolls among the desks and stops beside BrendanO'Carroll]
Pat: "Good man Brendan! I'm sure Mrs Brown would approve of-"
Brendan: "HOWS YER WIBBLY WOBBLY WONDER! Haha, only a birra fun. It's slang, y'know for yer cock'n'balls, like. Seriously now, I'll be manning the phone to take your donations and to add a bit of pizazz I'll take a shot of gin for every donation! So get off yer arses, get to the phones and get Brendan pollureh wha?! naa-a-a-a-a-a!"
Pat: "Good stuff. And...let me see now, where's Twink...?"
[Pat walks toward Twink, who is already on the phone]
Twink: "....but you've got to listen to me and give her a record deal! She'll be the next Charlotte Church, I can assure you. She's already in discussions to go on a date with Brian O'Driscoll so we have the rugger-playing-boyfriend angle sorted and-"
Pat: "Eh, Twink is obviously busy on a donation there so we'll take some music. Tonight she's going to treat us to the very first performance of her new single which, she says, uses two very different styles to deliver one very powerful message. Please give a warm welcome to Sinead O'Connor!"
[Sinead strolls on and addresses the camera]
Sinead: "This is for all the lost souls who were forced to study Patrick Kavanagh in Irish secondary schools."
[A cellist strikes up a mournful dirge]
Sinead: "It's been twenty years, eight months and fourteen days
since I last read Paddy K
[aw-aww-ah-aww....ahhh-awwww]
I go out every night and read toilet walls
more interesting than Paddy K
[aw-aww-ah-aww....ahhh-awwww]
Teacher didn't like my lousy attitude
so he swung a fist my way
[aw-aww-ah-ouch....ahhh-ouch]
Went to the doctor
guess what he told me
guess what he told me
he said girl you better try to get some reconstructive plastic surgery done
and that's my final word
but he's a turd
cause nothing compares
nuh-Thing compares
to JUU-JUU!"
[The music turns distinctly Jamaican and uptempo; Sinead dons a huge dreadlock wig and begins stomping from foot to foot]
Sinead: "HO! Well mi was young and pimply
Mi say to de man "Quite simply
mi nuh waan read no mowah
about dis fockin' bowah"
Teachah say 'Check dis!'
and hit mi widdis fist
[Sinead waggles her hands in the air]
ooooooOOOOOOOooooooh
Him punch mi inna mouth
and start to scream an' shout
So mi pull mi shoota out
an' blast him inna snout'
[The din subsides; Sinead pulls a picture of Patrick Kavanagh out and stares into the camera]
'Know the REAL enemy'
[Sinead all-too-predictably tears up the photo and walks off]

Pat: "Ho ho ho! Ah, terrific ah...fusion music from our very own Sinead there. Really catchy and I'm sure that's going to be a big hit. Now, since a lot of you can sometimes find it difficult to imagine what life is like out there on the streets, we sent social diarist Amanda Brunker out to meet some of these people and find out a bit more about their lives."

[VT; Amanda stands beside a skip at the bottom of Grafton street]
Amanda: "Hoiii! Well. Since most of you lot need a bit of a shake-up before you'll part with your precious yoyos, I decided to meet some of the people your money will benefit most. Beside me is Podger and Annie; they've been homeless for two years now. Podger, can you tell us what life is like on the streets of Dublin in the twenty-first century?"
Podger: "Ah jayziz Amanda, it's a hard auld station. I sleep here, like, and-"
Amanda: "Wow! Fantastic location! I can see Lily's from here! And Brown Thomas! Annie, you must be totally made up!"
Annie: "Wah?"
Podger: "Eh, like I was sayin' - it's especially tough at Christmas when y'see all de happy couples walking around widdout a care in de wurld and poor Annie here not havin' eaten a morsel in two days-"
Amanda: "Two days! Now that's like, serious willpower. I tried to do that mega-crash-diet thing the week before the Chrimbo party season kicked off, you know, but my FABBO uncle Pierce dropped in a fantastic hamper with like, two bottles of Krug and truffles and panettone....[Amanda leans in close to Annie]...so that was that! Still, fair whacks to you, Annser. I'm sure you have a smashing figure under your little hoodie ensemble."
Annie: "Are youse...on the bleedin' LEVEL?" [brandishing umbrella]
Podger: "Calm down Annie, sure the lady's here to try an' publicise our plight."
Amanda: "Like, yeah. So! Any plans for Chrimbo then?"
Podger: "Well, dere's a party planned for all de homeless; de nice folk from Shanahan's on de Green are supplyin' us with de steaks and-"
Amanda: "No way! I was there last week and it was like, a squillion yoyos! And you get it for nothing! [turning to camera] Well Pat, not all homeless folk have it that bad as we can see here. Amanda's message from the street is: shop around before you part with those spondulicks."

Pat: "Excellent work, thank you Amanda. Now, let's see how our celebs are doing."
[Pat walks over to a worse-for-wear Brendan O'Carroll]
Pat: "Brendan! I understand you've taken twenty eight calls since we spoke last. How are you feeling?"
Brendan [drooling] : "HOW'S YER FUGGIN'...BALLBAG YA...YA BAAASTAD."
Pat: "Great stuff, we'll leave you to it. Twink is still busy as we can see."
Twink: "...but I'm telling you that this panto needs me! I've done it before, and you obviously know me from 'Celebrity Farm'. [pause] It was a reality programme on RTE. [pause] NO, I DID NOT WANK OFF A PIG. Look, do I get the gig or not?"
Pat: "What a trouper. And here's another of our little helpers manning the phonelines!"
[Pat turns to Nell McCafferty who yet again looks like she's spent the past year walking round in shit-filled shoes]
Nell: "Och yes Pat, MANNING the phones are we? Yeh wee sexist pig. How many years do we have to-"
Pat: "Ah Nell." [holding rashers up protectively] "It was only a figure of speech."
Nell: "Ah yeah, that's what they all say. That's how it STARTS, Pat."
Brendan [from background]: "HOW'S YER FUGGIN'...JIMMY MCGEE, YA AULD...[hic]...MUNTER."
Nell: "And then yiz lot canter on and discriminate against wimmin an' the gay community an'-"
Pat: "I really didn't mean any-"
Nell: "I was born gay, Pat. I was gay in the womb! It's not something that anyone can-"
Pat: "Hoping for a cute midwife to deliver you then?
Nell: "Oh yeh cheeky wee bastard!"
Brendan [from background]: "IT WAS BLEEDIN' ADAM AN' EVE, NOT...[burp]...ADAM AN' STEVE."
Nell: "I'm gonna kill yez both!"
[Nell attacks Brendan and caves his head in with her phone; Pat attempts to retreat but trips and is set upon by Nell; hasty credits roll as an irate middle-aged lesbian thrashes the shit out of a man dressed as a plastic sandwich in the background]