[Marty approaches the first cooking area]
Benny: "Hello."
Marty: "Well Benjamin! All the way from Kerry, eh?"
Benny: "That's right."
Marty: "D'you have your passport then? HOHOHOHO, only joking. So it says here you're only recently back from a holiday in Vietnam! Great place, I was there myself before Christmas. Fantastic scenery, fantastic people, fantastic food-" [Marty kisses his fingers] "-Ooh-la-la! So anyway; all ready for tonight's challenge? I see you've been busy preparing."
Benny: "I have."
Marty: "My my, intriguing!"
[Marty peers at two filet mignons which have asparagus spears jutting from them]
Benny: "Those are my punji steaks."
Marty: "Punji, great. And there's no better way to bake an auld spud than with Mister Tinfoil, eh?"
Benny: "Those are my full metal jacket potatoes."
Marty: "Tremendous! And you certainly have enough meat here!"
[Marty points at a stack of beef-patties]
Benny: "That there is hamburger hill."
Marty: "So it's a bigtime spud'n'cowfest from Benny then?"
Benny: "If you don't like beef...you could also have-" [lifting dish lid] "-duck a'l'agent orange."
Marty: "Ah...Benny, can I ask you a question? When you said you were only 'recently' back from Vietnam...how long were you actually there?"
[Benny's eyes bulge slightly]
Benny: "Forty years."
Marty: "I see."
Benny: "You think you're safe here Marty but you're not. Victor Charlie is ever-vigilant. You must be on your guard for him day and night." [grabs Marty's lapels] "DAY AND NIGHT MARTY. Any of these people here-" [nodding at audience] "-could be the enemy in our midst."
Marty: "O-kay! Right, ah...let's...let's leave Benny to it and move on our next contestant, fifty-three-year-old Tommy from Leitrim!"

[Marty leaves Benny glaring at the audience and moves over to Tommy's cooking area; Tommy sways unsteadily and grips his stovetop]
Marty: "Hello and welcome to the show Tommy! It's great to see-"
Tommy: "MAAARTY! Marty. I fuggin' love your show Marty." [hugs Marty] "Jeh know, I make the missus buy Persil all the time after them ads."
Marty: "Ah...that was Daz. I advertised Daz, Tommy."
Tommy: "Ah, right. Right! Sorry."
Marty: "No problem Tommy. So what’s on tonight's menu then? If you don't mind me saying so, you look like you've been marinading yourself in the cooking sherry for some time now."
Tommy: [burp] "That I have Marty, that I have. My thing is fusion [hic] food Marty. Tonight's dish is a saluu...[wheeze]...brious collage of Italian and Indian styles called Pasta Sikh Bhag."
Marty: "I see."
Tommy: "You do! First up, the pasta. I'm usin' a variety of pasta called spaghetti, after the westerns. Write that down. Now, plug in the kettle like so [click] and feed the spaghetti strands in through the spout. That way, they boil up and get soft and you can eat them. Marty, stick one of them strands in there every 5 seconds and mind yer fingers."
Marty [looking concerned]: "Eh..okay."
Tommy: "Now that’s underway, I can hit the sauce! [takes another swig] In my little pot here, I have a mix of pesto, gravy and curry powder. Pesto is the Italian word for "paste", but don't let that put yer off! [burp] Y'see, makin' pesto is so simple that any gobshite can do it."
Marty: "True; I'm a big fan of pesto myself, Tommy."
Tommy: "Good man Marty! Y'see, when yer makin' pesto, there's no need to be fussy. Just make sure you gather up enough bugs and beetles and other crawly yokes to build up a decent amount of paste."
[Marty grimaces and momentarily forgets the kettle]
Marty: "AAAIIEEE! STEAM BURN!"
Tommy: "Careful Marty, careful!" [Tommy stumbles backwards and tips the pot off the stove] "God almighty, I’ve banjaxed the sauce!" [Tommy shouts into his mobile phone] "Go to plan B!"
Marty [looking terrified]: "Plan B?"
Tommy: "Yeah, plan B - Coq au vin!"
[A Hiace crashes through the rear of the studio, and a rooster flies out through the rear doors]
Tommy: "Well don't just stand there man, help me catch him!"
Benny: "INCOMING! VICTOR CHARLIE!"
[Benny ducks behind his cooking area]
Marty [gesturing wildly]: "Go to the ads, go to the ads!"
Benny [from behind cooking area]: "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
[Benny begins biting the tops off bread-rolls and can be seen tossing them grenade-style at the audience before the ads come on]

[later]

Marty [mopping sweat from brow]: "Welcome back! Before the break we had to say a poignant goodbye to Tommy and Benny. Will our next contestant cut the mustard? Let's find out! Give a warm welcome to 24-year-old Natasha from Mullinavat!"
[Natasha slinks up to her cooking area wearing a velvet ballgown and high heels]
Marty [turning on the legendary charm]: "Hel-LO! And welcome to the show Natasha."
Natasha: "Marty. Charmed." [flutters eyelashes]
Marty [waggling eyebrows]: "So Natasha. What's it to be tonight then? Brrrrreast of chicken? Or maybe a length of hot beef?"
Natasha: "Careful Marty, you'll get eyebrow cramp. Tonight, it’s bread."
Marty: "Bread?"
Natasha: "Yes, bread. You see, we all like bread, but most of us don’t realise what a sensual experience bread-making can actually be. I'm going to make a herbal bread which should have you positively gagging for more, you bold scut. First, I make my dough and add my favourite herb, dill. Then, I start to knead it."
[Natasha leans forward, giving a valuable cleavage shot; Marty begins to sweat]
Natasha: "I knead it. I really knead it. God, I knead it so bad..."
[Marty coughs and adjusts his collar]
Natasha: "Okay. Now we've got the kneading done, we shape the dough. This is really important because when you push your dill-dough into your hot oven, it should double in size and you really don't want your satisfaction hampered by a bend in the middle."
[Marty makes a barking noise and shuffles offstage; transmission ends]