THEIR HIDEOUS GOLDEN OVERLORD! (Curry Chips)

Snackbox diaries would now like to salute RTE's flagship (well, only) soap opera "Fair City" for its unrelenting fortitude in tackling important social issues head on.

This time last year they did their bit for eating disorders. Each week we wondered if Jimmy (who's a bit dim) would cotton on to why his lubberly wife Robin was so found of the technicolor yawn.

[After a bad lunchtime curry, Jimmy rushes home to plonk his rump on the throne but finds Robin hunched over the bowl]
Robin: "Jimmy!" [wiping gob] "You're home!"
Jimmy: "Robin! Are yiz bein' sick there or wha?"
Robin: "Eh....no. No! I'm ah....cleaning the loo."
Jimmy: "With vomit?"
Robin: "Ummm....not just ordinary vomit Jimmy, this is new Vommit Bang! See those pesky stains around the inside of the bowl? Well Bang!" [Robin spews again] "..urgh...and the dirt is gone!"
Jimmy: "Wow. Thass great. C’mere, where did all these mars bar wrappers come from?"
Robin: "Oh, those! I ah...left the window open and they all blew in."
Jimmy: "Wow. Fancy that. Wait'll I tell the lads."
Robin: "Heh heh, yeah! Yeh think I'd try and pull the wool over your eyes Jimmy, sure you're too smart for me by far!"
Jimmy [points finger gun]: "You betcha!" [Jimmy adjusts his footing] "Ah...now if yeh wouldn't mind offering this seat to someone who needs it? And yeh might need some more of that Vommit Bang once I’m done in here….”

[The following night; Jimmy sits in front of the telly with two Chinese takeaway bags. Robin emerges from the toilet]
Jimmy: “Ah, there y’are love! Right, that’s sweet’n’sour chicken balls for you and noodles for me. Are y'alright? Y’look a bit cagey.”
Robin: “Jimmy….I’m after hurling.”
Jimmy: “Yeah?” [checks teletext] “Eh, the Sunday Game is on in an hour.”
Robin: “What? Look Jimmy...I haven’t been honest with you these past few months.”
[Jimmy puts his noodles down]
Jimmy: “Go on.”
Robin: “Jimmy…I’m bulimic.”
[Jimmy’s eyes widen]
Jimmy: “You’re bulimic! I don’t believe dis. All them years thinkin’ you were Irish. What kind of fool was I.”
Robin: “What? No! Of course I’m Irish!”
Jimmy: “Y’are? Then what’s the matter?”
Robin: “What I mean is...there’s something wrong. It’s a disorder.”
Jimmy: “I knew there was something wrong with yer order!” [looks in Robin’s takeaway bag] “Chickens don’t have balls! Otherwise they’d be roosters! I’m ringin’ Wongs this instant.”
Robin: “Oh….okay love. Thanks.”
Jimmy [points finger gun]: “No problem! Hello, is dis Wongs? Now lissen, you’ve got some nerve….”

Fair City have now turned their hand to another blight on Irish society: Racism. Morgan (who's a bit dim) is a nice guy, and loves his girlfriend Suzanne. However, Suzanne's sister Louise is dating a young gentleman of the black persuasion called Joshua. Morgan has no problem with this until one fateful night when he encounters a sinister taxi driver.

[Morgan is in a taxi home from the cinema]
Morgan: "By golly, but King Dong is a fine movie. Can that Lord of the Rings fella direct or what! I mean, when you eventually get to see the big hairy lad! Well let me tell you, quite a number of ladies in the audience were oohing and aahing."
Pete: "Ah yeah, sounds deadly. C'mere; whaddya think of....[wipes nose on sleeve]...immigrants?"
Morgan: "Why, they're here to try and make a better life for themselves. To experience the world-famous céad míle fáilte and integrate into our society and help keep our economy buoyant!"
Pete: "Ah yeah, sure that's what they say on the telly. But here's what yeh won't hear. When have you ever seen a black fella sunbathing?"
Morgan: "Well...now that you mention it...."
Pete: "And when have you ever seen a black fella taking part in an olympic swimming event?"
Morgan: "Why....never!"
Pete: "And how many black fellas heard Ireland's call and took part in the 1916 rising?"
Morgan: [audible gasp] "My God, you're right! There IS something up!"
Pete: "There sure is, amigo. They're only here for our wimminfolk. I'm tellin' ya the truth, brother. Sure why would I lie?"
Morgan: "This is true. You are a taxi driver, after all. So that's their little game! And...my God! One of them is going out with my girlfriend's sister!"
Pete: "Sweet Jehosophat. It's your duty to protect her, my man!"
Morgan: "I hear you! The filthy beast must not be allowed to besmirch her good name!"

[Next night; Morgan sits in Bruxelles bar on his own, sipping a lucozade and peering suspiciously over an upside-down newspaper. He spots Louise as she walks in.]
Morgan: "Psst! Louise! Over here!"
Louise: "Ah howya Morgan. Whassa story? Meeting Suzanne tonight?"
Morgan: "Silence! Now. Your boyfriend Joshua. How many olympic swimming events has he been in?"
Louise: "Eh...none, I think...."
Morgan: "And where was he when we stormed the GPO in 1916?"
Louise: "Not born, probably."
Morgan: "I'm telling you you're in danger! He's only here to make the whoopee with you!"
Louise: "Whah? You're bonkers."
Morgan: "That's what he wants you to believe! I'm telling you we're all in danger! They'll ride us all to death with their big mickies! And then they'll put us to the sword!"
[Morgan hops up on his stool]
Morgan: "I tell you all, we must fight them now!"
[Suzanne walks in]
Suzanne: "Morgan! Get down from there! What's wrong with you?"
[Morgan waggles his plastic lucozade bottle suggestively]
Morgan: "Mickies! Big mickies!"
Bartender: "Can you quieten it down there please?"
Morgan: [insane cackling] "Oh yes, they do a nice line in mind control too. No return from that! No return!"
[Morgan attacks the bartender and begins whacking him over the head with the plastic bottle]
Bartender: "O-kay Travis Bickle, there's the door."
[Morgan is ejected from the premises and lands at the feet of Phil Lynott's statue]
Morgan: "AAAAIEEEE! THEIR HIDEOUS GOLDEN OVERLORD! RUN TO THE HILLS!"
[Morgan flees shrieking down Grafton street]