Loveline (Curry Chips)

Ah, Valentine's day. That special time of year when love is in the air.

Unless you're from Offaly, as we can see from another sauce-filled "Liveline" transcript....

Joe: "...so in case you're just joining us, I have Cyril Fox on the line to defend his dating agency. Cyril, can I get the name of your business again?"
Cyril: "Sure Joe. It's 'See Hollywood in Tullamore'."
Joe: "Not one for abbreviation then."
Cyril: "Hah? You can add 'Enterprises' to the end if you like."
Joe: "That....doesn't help. Anyway, we have Brendan on line 1, hello Brendan."
Brendan: "Howya Joe. I'm glad you've given me the chance to set the record straight about this scheister. I signed up with himself, handed over me few bob and he was fierce enthusiastic straight away. Said he had this girl on the books who was like a model and that he'd fix the two of us up fairly pronto. So I pulled on me best suit, old spice behind the ears, hair oil, the works. Only to turn up at her house and find she had only the one leg."

Joe: "One leg! My God."
Cyril: "How many legs do you think Heather McCartney has? Do you hear Paul ringing up to complain?"
Brendan: "You probably-"
Joe: "Ah now, one at a time please."
Brendan: "One at a time is right Joe. If she tried to throw the leg over she'd fall on her arse."
Joe: "Okay, thanks Brendan. Onto Betty on line 2, hello Betty."

Betty: "Hello Joe. Well, it was only when this fella had taken my money that he started buttering me up. I let slip that Mickey Rourke was my dream date; them blue eyes and that cute botoxy face like the top of a lumpy rhubarb pie. So I was told he'd have me set up with Mickey Rourke by the following night!"
Cyril: "I told you no lies Betty."
Betty: "Oh indeed and you didn't. Who did he set me up with but ol' Mikey Rourke who's 74, horny as a three-balled tomcat and a mouth on him like a chessboard."
Joe: "Oh dear. Eh....onto Frank on line 2, hello Frank."

Frank: "Howya Joe. Well, when I signed up I said my ideal woman was Meg Ryan. I do love them films she was in like 'Sleepless in Seattle' and 'You've got mail'. So of course I was thrilled when he says he's got just the woman for me."
Joe: "Let me guess. It didn't turn out that way?"
Frank: "Oh she was like Meg Ryan alright, but just like that boozehound she played in 'When a man loves a woman'. And me after booking a table at the poshest restaurant in Clonbullogue 'Gussette a Manger'. She turned up half-cut and spent the first part of the evening saying how nice it was to go out with identical twins. I thought it was going to be a disaster, but sure when the soup arrived it started looking up. Herself started doing the "faking it" scene from "When Harry met Sally". Moaning and groaning and clutching away at her chest."
Joe: "Ah! So the date actually went well then?"
Frank: "No. Turns out she was choking on a breadroll. So that was that."
Joe: "Right. Thanks Frank; my God there's more. Onto Bernadette on line 2, hello Bernadette."

Bernadette: "Hello Joe. Now this'll beat all. I went to an address supplied by Mr.Fox to go on a date with 'the new Batman'. Tall, dark and handsome was what I was expecting. I turned up to find..[whimper]..a lump of cow fodder and it dressed in a priest's frock."
Cyril: "God almighty, that was meant to be Christian Bale. Some people have no sense of humour."
Joe: "Eh...we'll have to leave it there."