[VT plays; Helena stands beside Jean-Christophe in the studio kitchen]
Helena: "So Jean-Christophe, it's great to finally have you here. Do you mind if I call you Johnny?"
Jean-Christophe: "Yes."
Helena: "JC it is, then. So what would you serve someone like me who's looking for a bit of an introduction to modern European cuisine?"
Jean-Christophe: "Well 'elena, pour commencer I would 'ave to serve carpaccio. 'Ere is one I preparred hearlier; as you can see, ze boeuf eez sliced verr thin and served avec une saucisse comprised from uh...lemon joos and oleev oil."
Helena: "Ah, excellent! I'm looking forward to this. I've taken the liberty of ordering what is no doubt your favourite tipple, JC!"
Jean-Christophe: "Chateau Latour 1982? Superb!"
Helena [elbowing JC]: "No no. Le Piat d'Or of course!"
Jean-Christophe: "Ah yes. The French adore Le Pee-at-door. 'Ey, who doesn't enjoy urinating in a doorway? To bottle and serve it though? I theenk not!"
Helena: "Ah, the legendary French sense of humour! I'll get one of the lads here to open it. So the carpaccio - does it go onto the pan or into the deep-fat frier?"
Jean-Christophe: [sigh] "Neezer, since I would call zat 'crapaccio'. Eet eez served just...comme ca."
Helena: [prodding the slices] "Raw beef, hah? I...see. And for main course?"
Jean-Christophe: "For ze main course, I recommend a traditional French deesh called L'Andouillette lyonnaise. We use a reasonable-size andouillette like so-"
[Jean-Christophe tosses a foul-looking white sausage from hand to hand; Helena looks on in horror]
Helena: "What....the Christ is that thing?"
Jean-Christophe: "Uh? Zis is un andouillette. Sausage made from...'ow you say...offal."
Helena [backing away]: "Sweet Jesus."
Jean-Christophe: "...so we throw eet on ze hot pan like so-"
[the sausage sizzles, throwing up offal-flavoured smoke; Helena's face turns green]
Helena: "I...oh God I'm gonna be sick. Stop what you're doing, STOP!"
[Helena switches off the gas]
Jean-Christophe: "Zees eez outrageous! How am I meant to produce any kind of cuisine when you insist on being such a cretin!!??!"
Helena: "Cuisine is it? The only time I'd expect to find something like that in a bowl is just before I flush it away! Shag away off outta here and take your stink-sausage witchoo!
Jean-Christophe [flicking two fingers] : "'Ey 'Elena, 'ere eez 'ow we say fock you in France!"
Helena: "I SAID SHAG OFF! And the next time you're at a rave, try taking a few Hs cause you could certainly do with them."

Willum: "Tuesday saw Helena speak to film reviewer Maurice Stapleton on the latest releases...."

Helena: "Maurice, you're more than welcome to the show again. Sorry about the smell. We're gonna have to get get the kitchen fumigated after that bloody Frenchman yesterday."
Maurice: "No problem Helena. Well, one of the perks of this brilliant job is that I get paid to go and see brilliant films. This week was no exception! You yourself decided that our viewers needed the lowdown on 'Big Momma's House 2'".
Helena: "Oh, that they do! So come on then - comedy of the year?"
Maurice: "Oh Lord no. Are we talking about the same film? Martin Lawrence turns in what is surely a career-defining performance in this most touching and effective of sequels."
Helena: "He does?"
Maurice: "Indeed. In the original 'Big Momma's House', Lawrence addressed just some of the issues faced by an individual who found themselves black, corpulent and elderly all at the same time. In the imaginatively-titled 'Big Momma's House 2', Lawrence expands on this theme and actually broadens the scope to include global warming, human rights abuses and the complicated issue of religious oppression versus freedom of speech."
Helena: "Eh...he does?"
Maurice: "NO! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK!"
[Maurice grits his teeth]
Maurice: "Look. It's a number two in more ways than one and about as funny as a white coffin. Martin Lawrence was only on the screen twenty minutes when my brain squeezed itself out through my ear, hopped on my shoulder and threw itself to its death. Five minutes later I tore my eyeballs out and threw them at the screen since I'd run out of any other ammo. IF I AM EVER ASKED TO GO AND SEE SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS."
Helena: "Ah, right! So you didn't like it then. What about 'Cheaper by the dozen 2'? Any good?"
Maurice: "Fuck off."
[Maurice tears off his microphone and walks out]
Helena [shouting after him]: "We need Steve Martin in 'The Pink Panther' for next week Maurice, okay? I'll call you!"

Willum: "Thursday saw Claire McKeown handling her second 'Agony Aunt' slot. This week, Claire spoke to a caller who had phoned in the week before..."

Claire: "Hello and welcome to 'Claire cares', where I do my darndest to get your life back on track. Today we're going to see how Mary Anne from Listowel got on after our little chat last week."

[VT from last week's show]
Claire: "Hello Mary Anne and welcome to 'Claire Cares', how can Claire help?"
Mary Anne: "Hello Claire. Well, my problem is my husband. He thinks the four-poster is the only place for a toe-curler, but I want the locations to get more exotic. Like they do in Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire and Ireland's Own."
Claire: "Good woman yourself Mary Anne, it's a common complaint. Good thing Claire knows what to do! First things first; get yourself out to the shops and buy yourself some expensive lingerie."
Mary Anne: "What's that, perfume?"
Claire: "No, no, it's ah...dirty knickers."
Mary Anne: "I see, faith."
Claire: "Yep, first you get yourself knickered up. Then you turn up at his office and tell his secretary to hold his calls. Then you get in there and you let him unwrap his present! He'll be putty in your hands."
Mary Anne: "Hmmm. I'll give it a go, so."
Claire: "Do that! And make sure you give us a call next week with the good news!"

[Back to this week's show]
Claire: "So Mary Anne, how did you get on?"
Mary Anne: "Not as good as I expected, Claire. I got myself knickered up right enough, but Sean is a farmer. Sure all that means is that his office is the milking parlour, so off I went wearing only an overcoat outside."
Claire: "Good, good."
Mary Anne: "As soon as the last cow was milked, in I went and threw off the coat. Himself couldn't believe it."
Claire: "I'd say he couldn't! And was he...agreeable to your proposal?"
Mary Anne: "Oh he was. Told me to wait there while he went outside to get his wellies off."
Claire: "Ah, this is going great! What happened then?"
Mary Anne: "Disaster is what happened. He had his left hand against the wall while he tried kicking his right welly off. This isn't an easy thing to do when you have two pairs of socks on."
Claire: "I can imagine."
Mary Anne: "Yes. Anyway, to our considerable misfortune didn't one of the neighbours walk by. Saw Sean with one hand on the wall and the leg flailing around and made the not unreasonable assumption that he was being electrocuted. And fair dues to his quick thinking because when you see someone being electrocuted, the most important thing to do is to break the circuit."
Claire: "Eh...."
Mary Anne: "So up he runs behind Sean and swings a shovel at his arm to get it off the 'power supply'. Broke it in two places."
Claire: "Let me tell you where to buy some really good 'Naughty nurse' outfits, Mary Anne. We'll give him a hospital stay to remember."

Willum: "Friday saw Helena interview Brian Kennedy about the recent Eurovision controversy and his fears of getting his arse handed to him on a saucer by a Lithuanian poundshop version of Xena:Warrior Princess."

[VT plays; Helena sits opposite wee Brian]
Helena: "So Brian, you've weathered the storm so far but what do you say to John Waters' criticism of the whole debacle? He seems to have a valid complaint that no-one listened to the song he submitted for the contest."
Brian: "I love everyone. Even John Waters. Even though he can't write a song."
Helena: "Ah, so you did hear his submission then?"
Brian: "No, but I read some of the lyrics. Shocking, so they were. Eff this and eff that. The Eurovision is about love. And happiness. And togetherness."
Helena: "And what do you say to those who suggest that your hair has been unable to keep up with the expansion of your big fat head?"
Brian: "I don't know who said that. But I love them anyway."
Helena: "And what about those who say that this whole 'love thy enemy' lark is just a front for a machiavellian wee bastard who was about as welcome at George Best's funeral as a turd in a swimming pool?"
Brian [sings]: "You've got to love....the person inside....even though they try to deride-"
Helena: "Oh SHUT YOUR SANCTIMONIOUS PIEHOLE. Someone get this arsehole off my couch."

Willum: "More from Helena all next week. Do make sure you tune in!"