Curry Chips

The rocket carrying Van Morrison on his terminal voyage into the sun has crashed into the main internet communications satellite.

Many popular websites have been offline since the collision, and NASA officials are said to be studying the most effective way of removing the roly-poly sourpuss from the satellite without having to resort to thermonuclear means.

Morrison was convicted of attempting to record a country'n'western album in 2005, having blighted the airwaves with soporific wishy-wash for years. He was also found guilty of predominant surliness and of possessing a bizarre mid-atlantic accent.

His rocket was due to collide with the sun in late 2006.

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Snackbox Diaries is thrilled silly to present more lurid snippets from the time-honoured favourite starring Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer.

[Maria has been summoned to see the Reverend Mother about her un-nunly behaviour]
Reverend Mother: "I am deeply concerned about you Maria. You do not seem to see eye to eye with your fellow sisters."
Maria: "I've tried my best! Some of them are cock-eyed anyway."
Reverend Mother: "Accusing them of sexual misconduct is not trying your best, Maria."
Maria: "I heard them singing 'How do you solve a problem like gonorrhea'! Some of the townsfolk say they would get up on a hairy hand."
Reverend Mother: "They deny this, of course. They claim that you are the one who is guilty of bringing this entire convent into disrepute because of your friendship with an unsavoury character called Penis Van Lesbian!"
Maria: "That is my dearest friend Dick Van Dyke! Oh please don't send me to live with the Von Trapps Reverend Mother, please!"
Reverend Mother: "I must! Be off with you now my child. And let us hear no more about this Cock Van Strapon fellow!"

Hello from Tommy Brennan, your geezer in Giza with an update on the international property market for the ever-adventurous Cork speculator!

Lads, I'm here to tell ye that ye can forget about looking to buy in Spain. Spain is only full of Dublin crims and Sunday World reporters. Pyramid schemes in Egypt are what's hot these days.

That's me in the photo outside one of the newest developments called "Tuscany Triangles" - a fabalass new estate on the outskirts of Giza that's been furnished to the highest standard. Each unit is about 2,000 square foot and all the rooms are ensuite, including the downstairs bathroom.

Snackbox Diaries would now like to make a small presentation on behalf of a new surefire money-making scheme that's got the country talking!

Yes yes yes, it's magical beans! On with the show.


MAGICAL BEANS

Magical = Out of the Ordinary

• Running successfully in Bulgaria for 8 years

• Gold and lots of it

• Normal beanstalk takes 4-6 months to grow
  
• Magical beanstalk grows overnight
  
• Normal beanstalk crumples under the weight of a 4-year-old
  
• Magical beanstalk takes the weight of an average countryman - even one with mucky wellingtons and an erection
  
• Normal beanstalk does not have a giant and lots of gold on top
  
• Magical beanstalk...does
  

Don't miss Brendan Gleeson's star turn in the hilarious comedy "Spuds", now showing in cinemas nationwide.

But don't trust us - listen to what the critics say!

"An excellent mashup of styles" - Michael Dwyer, Irish Times
"When the goalie got chipped in the last minute, everyone cheered" - Brian Kerr-Pinks, ex-Ireland manager
"A classic feelgood movie, where the blighted underdog roasts the favourites" - Dave Fanning, RTE