[later; Maria addresses the children after an initial frosty encounter with Captain Von Trapp]
Maria: “Well children, now that the Captain’s gone, shall we get to know each other a little better?”
Kurtt: “I am Kurtt! I am 12 years old unt I do not need a governess!”
Maria: “Oh. I’m sorry to hear that Kurtt. Maybe you’d like me to play you a song on my banjo! How about Kum By Ya?”
Kurtt: “NEIN!”
Maria: “Kum By Nine? Hoho, maybe if the Captain got me half-cut and into a water-bed by eight!”
[the children look nonplussed]
Maria: “Eh, okay. Why don't we sing a nice happy song about tea with jam and bread?”
[Kurt sighs and looks away]
Burtt: “Ah, do not listen to him. He is a dumbkopf. Not like me. I am nine years old and I love racing cars. Some day I will organise a big race unt I will call it ‘Kannonball Run’.”
Maria: “And what a full luxuriant moustache you have Burtt. And how are you, Durtt?”
[Maria points at a mucky urchin]
Durtt: “Gut! I love to roll around in ze poop and make with ze schwein noises!”
Maria: “Great! I’m sure we’ll-“
[one of the children trips and falls face first onto the floor]
Hurtt: “AAIIIIEEE! Mein schnout ist broken!”
Maria: “My goodness Hurtt! Are you alright? Let me see!”
Flurtt: “He is fine, so schuttit! You are ze four hundredth governess we have had this month!”
Maria: "I...know a song about four hundred governesses, would you like to hear it?”
[the children roll their eyes]
Kurtt: “When one governess left her room, I crept in and put a frog in her bed! His name was Henri and he wore a beret and nothing else. She screamed a lot and left the following day. Another governess was asleep when my brother Spurtt crept in and left something sticky in her ear!”
Maria: “I’d rather not know about that."


[later; Flurtt has an illicit tryst with Rolf in the gazebo]
Flurtt: "Oh Rolf! Even though you are much older and beardier than me, I still love you!"
Rolf: "Heh heh!" [wheeze] "Smashing. Australian, Austrian, what's the bloody difference eh?"
Flurtt: "If only you were not such a Nazi!"
Rolf: "Hoho, reset the clock. Anyway - natty uniforms, jodhpurs, what's not to like? Heh heh! Now - how's about I play me wobble board and sing you a song?"
Flurtt: "Oh Rolf!" [flutters eyelashes]
Rolf: "I am forty-one, going on forty-two....."


[later; the Captain confronts Maria when he finds out that his children have been moonlighting on the set of "Mary Poppins" with Dick Van Dyke]
Captain: "You dare to try and tell me how to raise mein munchkins!"
Maria: "I do! Gimme a call if you ever manage to get your thumb out of your poopenschuten!"
Captain: "Sassy bitch! I have a good mind to-"
[the Captain hears singing]
Captain: "Is zat...singing?"
Maria: "No, it's the sound of a recently defrosted mammoth blowing a gust of thirty-thousand-year-old flatulence through a hole in a plastic sack."
[they enter the house]
Children: "Ze wheels on ze anschluss go round unt round.....round unt round....round unt round....."
Captain: "Vie zis is splendid! Someone grab me a yukelele unt I vill sing one!"
Children: "Hooray for papa!"
Captain: "Ahh. Get your listening gear around zis!

Edelweiss, Edelweiss, every mornink you are greetink me
Small unt white, clean unt bright, you look happy to meet me...."

Children: "Hooray!"
Captain: "Sank you, sank you".
Maria: "I didn't know you could sing, Captain! what is an 'Edelweiss'?"
Captain: "Ummm...it is a euphemism for 'morning wood'."


[later; the Von Trapps are about to perform at the Salzburg folk festival]
Announcer: "I am afraid that zis will be ze last ever performance by Captain Von Trapp and ze Von Trapp family singers, since he is being forced against his will to commandeer a submarine for ze third reich!"
[the crowd boos, prompting the highly sinister Herr Zeller to stand up]
Herr Zeller: "Zat is not true! He will be transporting sheep to our lonely troops in far-flung locations! With a rousing rendition of 'Edelweiss' and a consignment of livestock from his Ewe-boat, he will restore teutonic tumescence to its former glory!"


[later; the family hide in the grounds of the convent as the Nazis search for them]
Captain: "Shh! Keep your heads down or we're pooped!"
[Rolf wanders in with his wobble board]
Rolf: "Come out-" [wibble] "-come out-" [wobble] "-wherever you are...."
Flurtt: "Holy Schitt! It's Rolf!"
Rolf: "Strewth! Thought I heard that sheila I was schtuppin' a while back..."
[Captain Von Trapp emerges]
Captain: "Rolf! Come with us. No longer vill you haff to tie your kangaroo down. Now it can roam as it may please. You are not one of zem; you are much too eccentric."
Rolf: [wheeze] "Heh heh! Ya think so? Look at this little beauty then!"
[Rolf produces a whistle and waves it about]
Rolf: "Bom-pom-pommmm.....have you guessed what it is yet? It's a fackin' whistle!"
Captain: "Now Spurtt!"
[Spurtt flings a handful of trouser-sauce in Rolf's face]
Rolf: "Sweet Jesus, my eyes! I'm fackin' bloind!"
[the family make good their escape and link up with Dick Van Dyke in his flying car only to embark on more fantastic adventures]