Curry Chips

A bizarre combination of mistaken identity and predictive text was last night blamed for the tempestuous war of words between warbling fruitcake Sinead O'Connor and Minister for Agriculture Mary Coughlan.

It appears that the Minister was in Luxembourg on official government business last Friday when she received the following text:

ha mary. i ducked ur hubby lst nite and swallowed his bun. luv sinead o'c

Mickey Fallon is a wild colonial boy. He's grown up in the small border town of Kiltensmashed and has seen the devastating effect that alcohol has had on his community over the years.

He recalls the revulsion he felt when he was only a wee boy on Christmas morning; when he looked out the window to see that his snowman had been visited by drunken yobs overnight. He remembers hot tears running down cold cheeks as he knelt there, removing one yellow chunk after another before conceding defeat and reducing his snowman to slush.

He recalls his dismay at his father's decision to enter the yard-of-whiskey contest, and his complete lack of surprise and emotion when Mickey Snr dropped dead (along with all the other contestants).

UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

Pottzo, Ciffer and Cillit sit in a dark theatre.

On the stage are two men, Grimmp and Blatt.

Blatt has no ears.

Grimmp thinks he can fly.

They both stare at a huge chamber pot.

Nothing happens for forty minutes.

Suddenly Blatt breaks wind.

Grimmp says "I want to die. Kill me." before turning away from the audience.

Cillit wonders if he should get up and go home, but he is afraid that his friends will call him a philistine.

He doesn't get up.

He stays for another two hours.

Then his stomach rumbles.

On stage, Blatt says "Did you say something?"

The curtain comes down.

Details are emerging of Charlie Sheen's new squeeze - he met her on www.millionairematch.com.

This is fantastic news for Martin and Janet, Charles' proud parents. They both claim to be thrilled that "Charlie is to go on a date with HOTPANTZ_4227".

MillionaireMatch is a wonderful website, and everyone is encouraged to visit.

On the "Free signup" page, you'll see the following:

If your annual income is below $150,000, to create free profile, search and email your dream match - Click here

If your annual income is over $150,000, to create free profile, search and email your dream match - Click here

The difference in the "Click here" buttons is that the poor grotty drongos who earn below 150 wonga go to a webpage with "type=1" in the address. Those who make more than 150 wonga get "type=2" in the address.

Again on snackbox diaries, we present more salubrious snippets of what the humble goggle-box offered the less-discerning viewer last week.

Channel4, Tuesday: Des and Carol play the "will they, won't they" game on Countdown!

[the clock winds down as the contestants work on the following letters game]

C I S O T R S T E

[diddy-doody, diddle-de-doo, BEW!]
Des: "O-kay, let's stawt with ah reigning champion, Neville?"
Neville: "I've got a seven."
Des: "Seven, right Murty, how about you?"
Murty: "I have a nine, Des." [huge gap-toothed grin]
Des: "My my, a nine. Splendid. Let's get Neville's seven first."
Neville: "I got COSTERS."
Des: "Costers, yes, splendid. And let's....let's have your nine then Murty."