Mickey Fallon is a wild colonial boy. He's grown up in the small border town of Kiltensmashed and has seen the devastating effect that alcohol has had on his community over the years.
He recalls the revulsion he felt when he was only a wee boy on Christmas morning; when he looked out the window to see that his snowman had been visited by drunken yobs overnight. He remembers hot tears running down cold cheeks as he knelt there, removing one yellow chunk after another before conceding defeat and reducing his snowman to slush.
He recalls his dismay at his father's decision to enter the yard-of-whiskey contest, and his complete lack of surprise and emotion when Mickey Snr dropped dead (along with all the other contestants).
Now, as a disillusioned young man in his twenties, he's going to even the score. It's time for the common man to claw one back against the unspeakable evil that is the drinks industry.
[Mickey and two of his closest friends are in a field in Meath; just over the ditch is the road to Dunshaughlin]
Mickey: "Right boys, are yiz ready for this?"
Seanie: "We are Mickey, aye."
Bonzer: "Locked and loaded Mickey."
Mickey: "Gud. This is it boys. This ain't no exercise. This is the real thing. Today we do the vodka truck."
Seanie: "Aye Mickey. Smirnoff is gonna get it right in the ballbag hey."
Mickey: "Aye. Now when that truck comes round that corner, we're gonna hop out into the road. Because we're all gonna be naked, the driver's gonna stop the truck and ask us if we need blankets. Or mebbe he'll offer us a lift to somewhere that has blankets. That's when we're gonna rush over to the side of the road and break off some big sticks offa that tree there. We'll use these big sticks to frighten him, and that's when he'll get out and we can rob the truck. Are yiz clear on that boys?"
Both: "Aye."
Mickey: "Right, I think I can hear it comin'. Let's get into the middle of the road and get the kaks off, lads."
Seanie: "Och, Mickey, pull me sock there will yiz?"
Mickey: "Fuck sake, I'm not finished gettin' me own trousers off Seanie, hang on."
Bonzer [already starkers]: "Fuckin' hurry it up lads, the truck's nearly here. Christ it's cold!"
Mickey [tugging Seanie's foot]: "Christ Seanie, have yiz a fuckin' club foot there or what?"
Seanie [hopping]: "I have not! Juss give it a good tug Mickey."
Bonzer: "The fuckin' truck's here!"
[Mickey drops Seanie's foot, sending him backwards into the ditch]
Seanie: "Ach me arse! Don't leave me here Mickey!"
[Mickey bunny-hops into the middle of the road with his trousers round his ankles just as the truck driver revs up]
Mickey: "Och, Christ, what's he doin'? He's hardly gonna-"
[the driver floors it, sending the two boys into the ditch]
Bonzer: "What now Mickey? I think I have a twig in me hole."
Mickey: "Shut the fuck up and let me think!"
[a Garda car pulls up]
Mickey: "Morning officer. Could you ah...could you give us a hand?"