Again on snackbox diaries, we present more salubrious snippets of what the humble goggle-box offered the less-discerning viewer last week.
Channel4, Tuesday: Des and Carol play the "will they, won't they" game on Countdown!
[the clock winds down as the contestants work on the following letters game]
C I S O T R S T E
[diddy-doody, diddle-de-doo, BEW!]
Des: "O-kay, let's stawt with ah reigning champion, Neville?"
Neville: "I've got a seven."
Des: "Seven, right Murty, how about you?"
Murty: "I have a nine, Des." [huge gap-toothed grin]
Des: "My my, a nine. Splendid. Let's get Neville's seven first."
Neville: "I got COSTERS."
Des: "Costers, yes, splendid. And let's....let's have your nine then Murty."
Murty: "I got SCROTIEST, Des."
Des: "Scrotiest? Is that-"
Beryl [consulting dictionary]: "Yes, it's here, 'scrotiest' - means 'to have the most succulent peachy pair of testicles'. Scrotiest."
[applause; Murty stands up and points at his groin between bows]
Des: "Scrotiest. Ah, splendid. Do you...do you think I'm the scrotiest chap you've met today Carol, do you?"
Carol: "Oh Des, you know I wouldn't go teabagging with anyone else!"
Des: "Ha ha ha. Splendid."
RTE1, Sunday: Marty Whelan is your host on Pigs'n'Eels!
Truly, this is reality-style entertainment for all the family. A selection of hand-picked celebrities spend Monday through Saturday in the P'n'E house and must consume sufficient quantities of undercooked pork to ensure their tapeworms are in tip-top shape for the show on Sunday.
The tapeworms are x-ray projected into the studio and have their undulations rated by Colin "Walking carpet" Dunne, Jean "Horror film mannequin" Butler and George "You lookin' at me?" Hook.
Marty: "Welcome to another wriggly edition of Pigs'n'Eels! Last week we had to say goodbye to Eunice from Fair City who sadly died after under-undercooking a tray of cocktail sausages. So tonight we welcome her replacement, none other than George "Let's get guntered and sing the Tones" Murphy!"
[applause]
Marty: "Welcome to the show, George."
George: "Bleedin' tanks. Oi bin stuffin' me piehole wi' the pinkiest o' piggy produce all bleedin' week an' sellotaped the bewmbox to me midriff on Toorsday. Me tapewurrms been gettin' loads a Tones, Dubliners an' a birra Philomena Begley when I wants 'em to chill out so's I can get some kip."
Marty: "Fantastic. Up there on the table with you so we can have a look."
[George's abdomen is scanned; his new intestinal tenant appears on a huge screen]
Marty: "Well, he's looking kinda quiet so far George, have you-"
[George shuts his eyes and bursts into song]
"AH-WELL HOW, DO YEH DO, YOUNG WRIGGLY MCBRIDE
DO YEH MIND IF THEY HAVE A LOOK
AT MY INSIDES"
[the tapeworm cavorts wildly]
And finally! Just when you think life can't hand you one more shitburger....
RTE1, Friday: Pat Kenny is your host on the Late Late show!
We join Pat as he gets to grips with Linda, who grew up as a young man in Tralee before realising that he had gender issues.
Pat: "So to all intents and purposes, you looked like an average, happy-go-lucky young man."
Linda: "Dass right Pat."
Pat: "But something...wasn't right."
Linda: "Dass right Pat. I knew dere was something fishy when I saw how I felt when Dick Spring topped de poll in de local elections."
Pat: "But it took you some time to ah...rectify the situation."
Linda: "Dass right Pat. Twas when I was 21 that I went to London for the op. They done gave me an epidural so's I could watch and make sure dey was doin' it right. Well Pat, wasn't I the happy girl when I saw de surgeon pick up de scalpel and pop open dat foul appendage like de way you'd see a sausage pop when you lob it into a pan of hot mazola."