Saturday night, just after 11pm: a phonecall is made from Athens to Ireland....
Nurse Callaghan: "....certainly Brian, I'll go get her now."
Brian: "Ach, thanks, you're too good."
Ma Kennedy: "HALLO! Who's this?"
Brian: "Ma, it's me, it's Brian!"
Ma Kennedy: "Oh! You. So then! Didjer win that song contest thing?"
Brian: "Ah Mam, did you not watch it on the telly? Did you not make the effort for me?"
Ma Kennedy: "Nah! They don't let us watch no more telly in here. Not since some bubblehead nurse left Ernie Timmons in front of the Late Late last Friday and forgot to wheel him back to his bed. He lasted two hours before gouging his eyes out with a spork."
Brian: "Och, terrible. The sadness. The hurt. The vacuum that only love can fill when we-"
Ma Kennedy: "SHADDUP! So, didjer win or what?"
Brian: "No Mam. No. Not this time. It didn't come together for me Mam. I-"
Ma Kennedy: "GAAAHAHAHAHAHAA! Well pop my piles with a hot hatpin, but I bloody well told you so! I said 'Never mind your ballads for bedwetters, go and rock their bollocks off!' And what do you do? 'Every song is a cry for love'. I've had more enjoyable chair-wettings. You plank. You palooka."
Brian: "Mam, please. Please-"
Ma Kennedy: "SHADDUP! I'll bet the winner was rock. I'll bet the winner shoved his crotch in the camera. I'll bet the winner gee-tarred the fuckin' place down!"
Brian: "Well actually Mam you'd be wrong. The winner was...a Finnish choir."
Ma Kennedy: "Hah?"
Brian: "Yes, a Finnish choir called Lordi. Oh Mammy they were beautiful! They all wore white robes and they all harmonised beautifully and their message was one of hope and peace and love. They called it 'Hard rock hallelujah' - about how you should always remember your faith when you found yourself in a difficult situation."
Ma Kennedy: "Fuck me."
Brian: "I can understand your reluctance to embrace such a-"
Ma Kennedy: "What a royal turdburger. Look, I've got to go, I'm going to see if there are any imminent intergalactic departures from planet poop. I'll send you a postcard."
Brian: "Bye Mammy."