Thirty minutes later I was again en route to XXXtravision, intent on returning a documentary about a disgruntled Canadian who tries to get from Dublin to Farranfore by train on a Tuesday morning.

Third time lucky! This time I got the REAL "Fucked in Ireland". Wow. The torrid tale of testosterone-addled twentysomethings travelling to Tory Island for threesomes and tackle-tugging and teat-tickling.

Cor blimey. Hang about, here it is: Fucked in Ireland

The action proper starts after about 10 minutes with Tony James fucking Tiffany/Lucy in the shower. No introduction, just two naked bodies shagging in the steam. It's a generously-sized cubicle with a disabled seat which permits a full range of positions.

Tony: "Ah c'mon! Lift yer bleedin' leg willya? If I got my jollies rubbing me langer offa someone's thigh, I wouldn't ha' bothered leavin' me house!"
Tiffany: "Jaysus, gimme a sec willya?"
[from outside]
Pascal: "Lads, ye gonna be long in there?"
Tiffany: [giggles]
Pascal: "Seriously now lads, I need to lay some pipe an' there's a fuckin' goat in the field out back an' there's no fuckin' way I'm droppin' me trews out there."

In a bedroom Tony and blonde Eire start to undress. This doesn't take long as Tony wears only boxers and Eire top and pants. Just as they are fully nude Yasmin enters and she too is soon out of her clothes.

Yasmin: "Ah yeah, yeh sneaky bitch yeh. Sneakin' off for a birra ridin' an' tellin' me yeh were off for a dump. Here, I fancy a birra sauce on me kebab as well, wha?"

Tony fucks both girls on the bed starting with Yasmin in reverse cowgirl.

Tony: "Hey Yasmin. Turn this way, yeah?"
Yasmin: "Wah? Wah for, yeh sayin' I'm ugly like?"
Tony: "Ah shut yar fuckin' hoop o' course I'm noh! Just turn around like! This is called the reverse cowgirl."
Yasmin: "Cowgirl? Yeh cheeky bollicks. Fuckit, I'll give it a go, just don't go tryin' teh milk me."

Doggy and deep missionary for both girls as Tony swaps his [rooster] between [moggies]

Yasmin [bent over couch]: "Jaysus, this is only deadly. I get teh read Heat while shit-fer-brains back there plugs away."
Eire [also bent over couch]: "Gimme a look! Wassit say about Geri Halliwell?"
Yasmin: "Says ah...SMACK ME ARSE ONE MORE TIME AN' I'LL KILL YEH...sorry now, says ah...she won't let the father see her new baby."
Eire: "Thass terrible."
Yasmin: "Yeah. DON'T EVEN TINK OF STICKIN' YER PINKY IN THERE. That Halliwell has no class, no class."
Eire: "Yer right, yer right." [glancing back] "Here you, giz a birra that."

...finally pulling out and coming over Yasmin's bum.

Tony: "Jaysus, all this motion is disturbin' me pot-noodle."
Eire [getting dressed] : "Tony, thah pot-noodle looked well ourra date."
Tony: "I tink yer right-" [pressing his hand to his mouth] "-awh bollicks I'm gonna spew!"
[Tony pulls out and barges over Yasmin's waggling rump en route to the bathroom]
Tony: "GANG-WAY!"
Yasmin: "AH YEH BIG PRICK YEH!"

All in all, a fantastic cinematic experience. Satisfaction is too small a word. Now I'm gonna stay seated here for a while. You carry on with whatever you were doing there. No, no, I'm fine, seriously now.