Lorraine: "Right. Take Professor XXX. He's this baldy chap who has the power to summon up any scene from any porno film in crystal clarity. But all in his mind. So he basically sits around all day in a wheelchair with his eyes shut, smirking away to himself."
Helena: "I see. But why the wheelchair?"
Lorraine: "His backstory has yet to be revealed, but a few internet sites speculate that he shagged his way around Ireland in the sixties before deciding to kiss the blarney stone. As he was dangled upside down by a group of locals, he couldn't pass on the opportunity to check out some upskirt action. Unfortunately, grooming in Ireland wasn't at an advanced stage and his derisory hoots of 'Spider legs!' caused the outraged folk to just drop him. Somehow he survived the fall, losing the power of his legs but gaining the amazing power of porno psychokinesis. This clip shows him in action:"


Professor XXX: "I would appreciate some time alone now. I need to ah...concentrate on using the power of my mind to locate some nefarious ill-doers."
All: "Certainly professor."
[The professor is left alone]
Professor XXX: "Hur hur hur" [twiddles joystick]


Professor XXX: "Hubba hubba! I dig redheads. Now. Dance around the chair and slap your hindquarters. I command you!"


Helena: "Wow. And of course Hugh Jackman plays a large part in this film."
Lorraine: "Yeah, he plays Vulvarine. Vulvarine is just a complete cunt to everyone. He's like Freddy Krueger but without the pocky skin. He'll blow smoke in your face before disembowelling you for a laugh. Here he is in action:"


Vulvarine: [sniff sniff] "Some bastard's squeezin' out a teddy's leg! Come out, you hoor!"


Beast: "WHERE ELSE IS A BEAR MEANT TO DO IT??!?!"
Vulvarine: "Oh, it's you. You're a beast, not a bear."
Beast: "FINE. I'm going back to the house to get some privacy."
Vulvarine: "You've got some hole-roll stuck to your foot or hoof or whatever the fuck you call it."
Beast: "Thanks. Thanks a bunch."


Lorraine: "Vulvarine's main rival is JapsEye, played by James Marsden. JapsEye has to go round the place with one of those joke-size Elephant condoms on his head so he doesn't lose the run of himself."
Helena: "And the baddies?"
Lorraine: "Ian McKellen plays Magnet. He was defeated in the last film when they shot him out of a cannon at a huge fridge and he's just been stuck there ever since. Rebecca Romjin-Stamos plays Bluetit. She just seems to run round the place in the nip most of the time, frustrating all those who get near her because her shapeshifting abilities allow her to morph into Ricki Lake or Bette Midler."

Helena: "Fabalass. So onto music and Sandi Thom. Who's she then?"


Lorraine: "Not she, it. Sandi Thom is a new supergroup made up of Thom Yorke and Sandy Kelly. This marriage of Irish country music and British mope-rock is one made in heaven. Naturally, Thom spends most of the time moaning and ululating about darkness and stale bread while Sandy attempts to enliven things with some banjo and twangery of the upright bass variety. Their debut single was 'I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair', and it certainly is a game of two halves. Here's how Thom kicks things off:

Flies are buzzing round my head
Vultures circling the dead
Picking up every last crumb
The big fish eat the little ones
And then they get crumbed and breaded
But they're still deaded
It's just what I dreaded
And just as intended
I burst I burst I burst

There's a bit of wailing and some blender noises and then Sandy takes over:

Swat those flies right off
Pick up that old trombone
Put a coathanger in that mouth
And smile a little sunshine
Cause life is just a little like wine
If there ain't no rain then things is fine
As long as from within you really shine shine shine

Helena: "Splendid. So to finish up, how'd you get on with the prescribed literature?"
Lorraine: "Oh, you mean the cliterature! Cecelia Aherne's 'PF I love you' is the first in her new series of 'Flynn fiction' erotic novellas. Our heroine, Tiffany Fwappington, is a model, lifeguard, martial arts expert and capable yachtswoman. She lives the hedonistic life of a free spirit, uncomplicated by emotional ties or attachments.
All that changes when she meets Captain Pee Flynn at a regatta in Enniscrone. He turns her world upside down with his piercing blue eyes, his woolly chest and his aesthetic profundity. In this extract, Tiffany visits Captain Pee at his castle in the west of Ireland; they flirt shamelessly in the 'Irish classics' section of his vast personal library.

Pee: "I must say Miss Fwappington, it gives me great pleasure to have you here."
Tiffany: "Oh Pee, the pleasure's all mine. And please, call me Tiff."
Pee: "Tiff it is." [decanting cognac] "So. Have you ever turned the lights down low...poured a glass of sancerre...lit some candles...and given Behan a good flick?"
Tiffany: "Oh Pee, surely you're Kavanagh laugh! I make a point of doing so regularly. He really...rubs me up the right way."
Pee: "Most excellent." [steepling fingers] "And do you like to use body oil?"
Tiffany [arching eyebrow]: "Pee?"
Pee: "Roddy Doyle. Do you like to...read Roddy Doyle?"
Tiffany: "Oh yes. Such ribald discourse! 'Fuck me. Ate me arse. Ask me bollicks.'" [Tiffany turns her back and runs her fingers along the shelves] "What would dear old Yeats make of such utterances?"
Pee: "Cut to the chase and get your laughing gear round this!" [dropping trousers]
Tiffany: "That must be from 'Oh play that thing'." [turning round] "Oh Pee."
Pee: [smug grin]

Helena: "So dreamy!"
Lorraine: "Oh yeah. Pee is a sundae with hot fudge sauce and no mistake. Definite one-handed material, this."
Helena: [dreamy sigh] "Okay then. See you next week for more."