If you're one of the many unfortunates in society who find themselves burdened with something approaching a sense of taste, you may well have missed out on the fact that ITV and TV3 are showing nightly instalments of a rather bizarre experiment which is currently underway in a secret location in the south Pacific.
Over a dozen individuals were lured to a "sun-drenched paradise" where they would spend weeks "cavorting with beautiful members of the opposite sex" with the promise of "a completely overhauled public profile to facilitate a smooth progression into the world of C-list celebrityhood".
Little did they know what they were getting into. Sponsored by Cadburys, "The Lurve Island of Dr.Moro" is one hour of eye-watering lo-jinks.
Participants include:
SHANE LYNCH
Shane was once a member of pagan rock collective Biozone. Excessive touring between Ireland and the UK led to Shane's accent hitting a rock and sinking in the Irish sea. No-one can accurately predict what Shane will say next, or exactly how he intends saying it.
Also!
Normal buddy: "I was so drunk last night I got tattooed!"
Shane's buddy: "I was so drunk last night I tattooed Shane!"
Shane's tattoos have to be seen to be believed. And even then you're gonna be adjusting your set.
ALICIA DOUVALL
Alicia was once a British glamour model with the Theresa Biffon agency. Having enjoyed moderate success parading her pink pneumatic poonts round the pud-pull publication circuit, Alicia decided to pursue her interest in beach frisbee. Alicia took one too many frisbees to the head, and is now barking mad.
PAUL DANAN
DananDananDananDananDananDananDananDanan MADMAN!
Paul is so mad that electricity pylons don't like being built beside him.
SOPHIE ANDERTON
Prior to her stint on "Love Island", Sophie enjoyed a successful career clogging the lines of the local samaritans and discussing bowel movements with her closest friends.
Oddly enough, Sophie is barking mad.
Other people have dropped in from time to time like Dennis Rodman, Abs from Five and Les Dennis' cousin.
Highlights of island life have included:
QUIZ NIGHT
Compered by mad Paul, this battle of the sexes was an unmitigated success.
Paul: "For the ladies! Ladies, the cold war was between which two nations?"
[the ladies huddle]
Sophie: "The coal war? Maybe...Wales and...the north of England."
Alicia: "I think he said the cold war so maybe Iceland and Lapland?"
Kelly: "That sounds good, we'll go with that."
Paul: "For the gents! Yo Yo Ma is:
...a) A highly successful Oriental cellist who has amassed a fortune in Vietnamese dong
...b) A term applied to your mother cause her knickers yo-yo for any kind of dong
...c) A bean used in the production of shampoo
...d) All of the above
[the lads huddle]
Shane: "I have a yo-yo."
Lee: "Me too. Can you do walk-the-dog?"
Shane: "I fackin' well invented walk-the-dog."
Lee: "Did not."
Shane: "DID FOOKIN' TOO."
Paul: "For the ladies! What's the capital of Iraq?"
[the ladies huddle]
Sophie: "Is it 'I'?"
Alicia: "Could be a trick question. Is it 'E' as in E-Y-E?"
Sophie: "Ah yeah! Sneaky. Let's try that then."
SMALL TALK
Paul: "Them's radical tats, Shane. You've got like, a caffolic fing on your chest-"
Shane: "A cross."
Paul: "-a cross, and a rastafarian Jah fing goin' round your midriff."
Shane: "Yer wah?"
Paul: "Yeah, it's J-A-..." [craning round] "Oh."
Shane: "The Y-S-U-S is on me back."
COCKTAIL NIGHT
Sophie: "I like jokes. Does anyone know a joke?"
Paul: "I do! Knock knock!"
Shane: "Fatima Fatima!"
Paul: "Woh?"
Shane: "C'mon Sophie! Lourdes Lourdes! It's a game of name that pilgrimage site!"
Sophie: "Great idea Shane! Ah...Mecca Mecca!"
Shane: "Ah Sophie. Thass a muslim site. Thah doesn't count."
Paul: "Knock fuckin' knock!"
Sophie: "I'm sorry Shane."
Shane: "Game fookin' ruined."
[Sophie breaks down and runs wailing to her room]
Paul: "Who's fackin' there?"
Shane: "Woh?"
Paul: "A tish! A tish who?!"
Shane: "Jaysus."
Paul: "Fackin' GESUNDHEIT! KANTS!"
[Paul storms out in a huff]
Yes indeedy, "Love Island". Get your shovelful every night at 10pm.