Magdalene Sisters - The Musical! (Curry Chips)

Having seen the laugh-a-minute funfest that is "The Magdelene Sisters" over the weekend, I decided that it would have been much better if it had been done as a musical.

Scene 1
It's new year's day 1963, and young Theresa gingerly approaches her father in the living room of their small house in Ballyconker...

Theresa: "Da? Da, I have to tell you something."
Da: "Muh? Wassafug. Readin' Farmers Journal. Shagoff."
Theresa: "Da, this is important. Da!"
Da: [silence]
Theresa: "Maybe you'll listen to me if I sing it then."

I am 16 going on 17
last night I was naive
when uncle Ray said
come to the hay shed
to celebrate new year's eve

He is 60 going on 61
with nary a tooth in his head
He gave me some rum
and grabbed at my bum
so I stabbed him and now he's dead

Da: "Wisha!? SAINTS PRESERVE US-" [crosses self] "-FROM THE EVIL SUCCUBUS WHAT HAS KILT ME BRUDDER RAY! Oh Jesus but I know what to do witchoo! Don't move off that chair!"
[Da drives off in the tractor and returns hours later]
Da: "Right. You always liked 'Row row row your boat' when you was young so this should make it easier for you."

Go go get your coat
forget your self-esteem
verily verily verily verily
you're off to live in Sneem

Theresa: "Not the Magdalene laundry in Sneem!?!"
Da: "The very one. The right place for someone like you."
[Theresa weeps uncontrollably]

Scene 2
Theresa enters the laundry for the first time...

Theresa: "This doesn't look so bad! Ah, to hear the sounds of industry and good honest toil!"

The halls are alive
with the sound of washing
with sounds they have heard
for a thousand years

[Theresa swings round with her arms out]

The halls fill my heart
with the sound of washing
My heart wants to sing
every song it hears-

[Theresa's song is cut short when a nun smashes a mallet into her face]
Sr.Scrotesta: "No singing in the hall! Try that again and you'll get more of the holy mallet! Now pick your teeth up and get changed into your workwear!"

Scene 3
Theresa is busy at work with the other girls...

Bernadette: "I fuckin' hate it here. I'm thinkin' I might try to escape tonight. Are you in?"
Theresa: "Of course not! Why would I want to escape? After all...

Grass-stains on blouses and boogers on mittens
hairballs in clothsacks that used to drown kittens
tops worn by women with great bingo wings
these are a few of my favourite things

Skidmarks on longjohns and mingesauce on knickers
pukestains on jumpers from way too much liquor
jibmarks on dresses from knob-gobblings
these are a few of my favourite things

When it's prayer night
when I see things
and I'm feeling bad
I simply remember my favourite things
and then I know I'm going mad

[Bernadette backs away slowly]

Sr.Scrotesta: "No singing during work! Come on you! Up to the mother superior's office for your third paddling this week!"
Theresa: "Oh dear."

Scene 4
Theresa awaits her fate in the Mother superior's office...

Mother Superior: "So Theresa. Singing on the job again. What should we do with you, hah?"
Theresa: "I would expect you to treat me in the way that Jesus would treat me."
Mother Superior: "Sound! Jesus liked nothing better than flaking the living shit out of a helpless waif. Scrotesta, fetch my studded paddle."
Sr.Scrotesta: "Of course."
[Scrotesta exits]
Mother Superior: "I love a good paddling, don't you? Well. I enjoy the delivery. It has to be trusting relationship for me to enjoy the receipt."
Theresa: "Huh?"
Mother Superior: "Oh yes. Not that you'd know about that, but hot sisterly love is a wonderful thing. Fills ones black heart with song, so it does."

Climb every mountain
Search high and low
Follow every sister
See if she's lesbo

Climb every mountain
Ford every stream
Paddle every sister
'till you make her scream

Mother Superior: "Whoah. That has me all hot and bothered now. Theresa, you may go. Ah, Scrotesta, you've brought the paddle. Excellent. Lock the door behind you and place your hands on the desk."
Sr.Scrotesta: "Ummm...." [concerned look]