[They all pile into the house; Niall Toibin is stretched out on the table and in bad shape following his participation in the annual Ballyconker spud fight]
Tom: "Ochón Daddy! Is it dead ye are?!"
Niall: "I yom. Kilt and smasht. Some bastard forgot to boil his spuds and I took one to the head. Uhhhggh."
[Niall closes his eyes]
Fatty: "Begob. Tis dead he is. We should sell de land."
Sneaky: "Aye. And drink de profits."
Tom: "YEE WILL KNOTT! POOR DADDY AND HE SHTILL WARRUM ON THE TABLE THAERR!"
[Niall suddenly sits upright]
Niall: "Wait!"
Tom: "Bedad! Is it a ghost ye are Daddy? Or mebbe a zombie? Is it brains ye be after now?"
Niall: "Nowah. I came back to say; Uuughhh."
Tom: "By gom. Tis dead he is now and no mistake." [tips hat back] "Tis buryin' him we should be."



[Later; the funeral procession is interrupted by a force of MMPs (Mountied Moustachied Protestants)]
Roderick: "What ho! A dead Paddy eh? Haw haw haw."
[Roderick's horse farts and they gallop off]
Tom [puce]: "Tis revenge I'll be havin' and-"
Mourners: "No mistake."
Tom: "Aye."
[Tom canters off on his donkey, armed with the Donnelly blunderbuss]



[Later; Tom sneaks into the barn of Whiskery Wallace (the local landlord) but is surprised by his daughter Nicole Kidman]
Nicole: "SHTAY BACK AULD LUSTY LAD! For tis armed I am wit a himplimint of the four-pronged variety."
Tom: "I HAVES NO FEAR! FOR I YAM JOSEPH DONNELLY OF THE BALLYCONKER DONNELLYS AND-"
[Nicole skewers Tom's leg]
Tom: "Jaysus."

[Tom wobbles out into the yard and spots Whiskery Wallace trying to walk off some gout]
Tom: "HAHA!"
[Tom levels his blunderbuss at Wallace]
Tom: "I yam Joseph Donnelly of the Ballyconker Donnellys and wanna yoor min went and horsefarted at me dead fadder's cashkit!"
Wallace: "Muh?"
[Tom pulls the trigger; the weapon explodes in his face]
Nicole: "Shriek! Is it dead he is?"
Wallace: "No, he appears to have inflicted nothing more than some Loony Tunes blackening of the face."
Nicole: "Let us get him in the house so I can sneak a peek at his lad."
Wallace: "Done."



[Later; Nicole contrives to bring Tom to A Merry Kay]
Nicole: "Hoho, come wit me, young underendowed blackfaced failed assassin country lad!"
Tom: "Indeed an I will knott! Ye foul temptress of the night with the curly locks so fair and gay."
Nicole: "I'll give ye top half! Go wan." [flashes boobs]
Tom: "Bedad. Alright so. But what of our passage? Tis husband and wife dey be expectin' on de boat!"
Nicole: "Sure can't we pretend! I'll be a...what do dey call it. Beard."
Tom: "Fine an' dandy!"


I should point out at this juncture that Nicole's character in the film is called "Shannon". A fine brainstorming session by the scriptwriters and no mistake.


[Later still in A Merry Kay; Nicole climbs the steps to their homely loft in Queens after 18 hours pluckin' chooks]
Nicole: "Oh me achin' feet! Bedad but I could do with a mug of steamin' hot drippin' an' a lusty young man for to warm me chilblains twixt his gnarly toil-hardened hands!"
[the door creaks open; Tom is in bed loafing it into a swarthy lass with much gusto]
Nicole: "Be the hokey!"
Tom: "Aye Shannon! Tis doin' the hokey-pokey with this fine lass I am! Pallopenny Cruise is her name, I think."
Penelope: "Hola hola! Arriba arriba!"
Nicole: "Be me forty petticoats and me fifty pettipockets, why Joseph, why?"
Tom: "Arrah Shannon we was never in business! If y'ask me, I done took up with the wrong river sister. I woulda got me more action with Feale or Suck!"


[Proving that you can never forget your past, rumours cross the Atlantic about Joseph and eventually reach the big rashery-style ears of tavern owner Colm Meaney, who is employing Joseph as a doorman]
Colm: "What's this you say about young Joseph?"
Fagin-type: "Oh but tis a tawdry tale. They say young Joseph used his ass to get into Whiskery Wallace's house. And talk of someone's yoke explodin' in his face. And that there was no better man for pullin' spuds if ye catch my drift. And that he waddn't married to young Shannon at all at all."
Colm: "Be the hokey. So tis a big feckin' jessie he is. More suited to a life treadin' the boards than providin' the muscle outside me door. So be it. Don't tell no-one though."



[Outside]
Tom: "Respect the cock, lads. Chicken is too expensive so ye'll have to make do with the more cost-efficient rooster. That's advice I be givin' ye for free. The other advice is not to be tryin' to get in here wearing wellies."
Lads: "Ah Joseph! Be lettin' us in now, gowan!"
Fagin-type: "Joseph! Himself wants a word..."