Tiger, Geiger but no Rod Steiger (Curry Chips)

The Ryder cup today found itself embroiled in a whiskery beer-stained nudy romp controversy as Tiger Woods reacted furiously to news that former Dubliner Ronnie Drew was performing a "lewd" show in the Irish capital called "She's looking grrrrreat!" - centering on Tiger's lovely wife Elin Nordegren.

The musician and raconteur claims he's got "candid snaps of the sweaty-palmed variety" of Mrs.Woods which form the backdrop of his live show. He also claims that the songs were written over the "dozen-or-so" years that he spent as a houseguest of Mr and Mrs Woods - claims that Tiger sensationally denies.

When asked about the potentially damaging effect this would have on Ireland's chances of hosting such a lucrative event in future, Mr.Drew requested that all further enquiries be directed towards his "hairy ballbag".

Mike Straka had this to report when he attended one of the live shows.

[VT plays]
Mike: "In Blarney Stone country for the Ryder cup golf tournament, the last place I expected to be was in Dublin's inner city to attend a show by former Dubliner Ronald Drew. However-"
Gouger: "Shut yer piehole yank, the show's startin'."

[Houselights go down; "Isn't she lovely" by Stevie Wonder starts up; a curtain drops to reveal naked photos of a blonde female; Ronnie walks on to tremendous applause and begins to sing]

"Lemme tell yiz now abouh Mrs.Woods
She wuz always one for deliverin' the goods"

[pause to allow whooping and hollering to subside]

"Aaaaah twas nukular when first I saw Tiger mount her
Shur you could pick it up onna geiger counter"

[pause while a few of the more well-read punters tell the rest what a geiger counter is]

Mike: "Oh for the LOVE OF GOD! Well, need we hear any more? When an establishment of this calibre plays host to such gutter minstrelism, it really does-"
Gouger: "I TOLD JEH TAH SHURRUP!"
[Mike is wrestled to the ground in a headlock; VT ends]

Ronnie, Tiger and Elin in happier times