Curry Chips

THOUSANDS are feared dead following a catastrophic attempt by talent vacuum Katie Melua to break the world record for the deepest underwater concert performance.

Workers on the Statoil Troll oil rig claim they were not informed that Melua would be making such an attempt.

Speaking from his hospital bed in Trondheim, surviving drill leader Gonk Weinerson told us that "the monotonous paper-headed bint would never have been made welcome where proper music was enjoyed".

Chris De Burgh has sensationally claimed that he can cure people. Addressing a packed press conference in Carlow yesterday, Mr De Burgh described how he lets the body hang for eight days in a well-ventilated area before applying a good salt/sugar mix and leaving it for another two days in the smokehouse. He then...

Wait. Sorry, wrong Chris.

Time again for Snackbox diaries to take a stiff drink, cross our legs and flick over to Helena Hegarty on the KOWPAT channel. Take it away there Helena...

Helena: "Good evening, hello and welcome to another nipple-stiffening instalment of the arts show here in the cosy confines of the KOWPAT studio.

This week I've got more pulsating juice-filled nuggets of inconsequential tat for your delectation, and what better way to start than with Razorlight. Led by chipmunk-faced yukelele-botherer Johnny Borrell, they've really shaken up the charts these past few months with their unashamedly old-fashioned approach to rock'n'roll, tight trousers and elephantine egotism.

I caught up with young Jonathan in Paris earlier this week after he'd tried to run away from me. It's his little legs, poor thing. Roll VT!