[Helena sits opposite Johnny in a plush hotel room. Johnny wears huge shades even though it's pitch dark outside. His right leg rests on his left knee. His hair is tousled. A cigarette dangles from an insolent sneer]
Helena: "So Johnny! Tell me about your new single, 'America'."
Johnny: [sigh] "It's about America, surprisingly enough." [arches eyebrow]
Helena: "Heh heh, right, right, but c'mere - have you always wanted to cover a track from 'West Side Story'?"
Johnny: "Whu-"
Helena [bursting into song]:
"I LIKE TO BE IN AMEH-RIH-KA
OKAY BY ME IN AMEH-RIH-KA
EV'RYTING FREE IN AMEH-RIH-KA
FOR A SMALL FEE IN AMEH-RIH-KAAAA!"
Johnny: "Oh for fuck sake. It's got nothing to do with 'West Side Story', you fucking idiot. It's a track about how the events taking place in America impact all our-"
Helena: "Ah yeah, middle east, Bush and whatnot. Next question-actually [waving arm] can you see anything with those things on? Does liddle JohnJohn have sensitive peepers?"
Johnny: [sigh]
Helena: "Touchy subject, I know. Now, next question. What motivates you to keep going as a rock star when you know you could just pack it in tomorrow morning and dream about the piles of cash that you stand to inherit as sole heir to the lucrative savoury beef drink industry?"
Johnny: "Fuck off."
[Johnny storms out and doesn't close the door, pausing in the hall to gob on a gaggle of screaming Japanese girls]
Helena: "Fantastic. What a rock star."
[VT ends]

Helena: "Now it's over to our tatbarrel-scraping correspondent, Fiona Canker. Good week in London for you, but a bad week for Sir Paul, eh? Spousal abuse, vomit and...tofu?"
Fiona: "Oh terrible. Shocking. The things that man did. I had lunch with Heather only yesterday and she poured her heart out to me, poor thing."
Helena: "Spill."
Fiona: "Well, it looks like the marriage started to go off the rails one fateful evening when they were dining in Le Caprice. Paul was horrified when Heather ordered filet mignon, and spent the remainder of the meal mooing quietly.
Things got worse when they were driven home; according to Heather, Paul called her a 'mono-legged bovine-wolfing scag' and proceeded to 'thwack her about the head and back' with a frozen tofu sausage.
She said it was a horrifying experience, made worse by his insistence on preceding each blow with 'bang bang, frozen tofu sausage came down upon her head, bang bang frozen tofu sausage made sure that she was dead'."
Helena: "No bull?"
Fiona: "Meat free. She could barely bring herself to tell me that the beating only ended when the sausage thawed. Meanwhile, the Beatlemonster retreated to his quarters where he began drinking heavily. She went off to the guest bedroom with an icepack."
Helena: "Go on!"
Fiona: "Well, she decided that was the best place for her, vowing to patch things up the following morning. However, only an hour had passed before that hellion burst through her door, severely inebriated. When she attempted to placate him, he bellowed 'make way for sergeant peppers, onions and carrots!' and vomited all over her. That was the last straw. She ran from the house and hasn't been back since."
Helena: "Fantastic! Top titillation Fi, any more for us?"

Fiona: "Well, I also managed to squeeze in lunch with Sharon Osbourne while in London, and she had loads to tell me. She's very excited about a new American project that's been taking up lots of her time lately."
Helena: "Not more 'Pop Idol' goodness, surely?"
Fiona: "No, no. They're calling it 'The XTermination Factor', and it's based in Florida state prison. Sharon spent a few weeks there in September with twelve death row inmates who had lodged last-minute appeals against their execution. Basically, Sharon has the power to give one of them the nod for life - but for the other eleven it's the hotseat."
Helena: "Ingenious!"
Fiona: "And proving popular with test audiences! The inmates have only a few hours to practice their song or dance or joke or whatever you're having yourself, and then Sharon sits stony-faced in judgement. The part where Sharon delivers her verdict is where this wonderful woman really shines. Roll VT!"

[VT plays; a young man sits on a prison bunk, gazing expectantly at the cell door]
Dwayne: "Well, fuh me, winnin' the XTermination factor would mean ah'd have anothuh chance to give life a go, you know wha'm sayin'? To really-"
[the cell door opens]
Dwayne: "Eyy, Sharon!"
Sharon: "Dwayne! Dwayne, how ah you dahling?"
Dwayne [sweating]: "Ah'm good, y'know? Stayin' positive!"
Sharon: "That's good."
[Sharon sits on the bunk and clasps Dwayne's hands]
Sharon: "Now you know why I'm here."
Dwayne: "Fuh sho'."
Sharon: "You see Dwayne...I need to get my list down to three people..."
[Dwayne sweats]
Sharon: "...and the competition this year has been really, really of a high standard..."
[Dwayne palpitates]
Sharon: "...I mean, of course people want to live, it's one of the most primal urges..."
[Dwayne weeps]
Sharon: "...and your rendition of 'Wuthering Heights' was not without its charms..."
[Dwayne hyperventilates]
Sharon: "...but it's down to this Dwayne...I have some bad news..."
[Dwayne clutches his chest]
Sharon: "...I'm afraid that you're going to have to..."
[Dwayne keels over]
Sharon: "...do it all again next week! You've made my final three!"
Dwayne: [wheeze]
Sharon [looking off-camera]: "Is he going to be alright? Why isn't he jumping about the place and celebrating?"
[prison staff check Dwayne's pulse]
Producer: "Mmmm, looks like he's dead."
Sharon: "Oh. Ooooh, now this really makes it interesting." [places finger on lip] "He was the last person I had to deliver judgement upon. Now do I bring back young Sam who did the can-can or old Walter who sang 'Moon river'?"
[VT ends]
Helena: "That looks fantastic! Dramatic, tasteful and coming to KOWPAT screens soon! Stay tuned y'all!"