Curry Chips

A recent non-lethal weather phenomenon was rather uncharacteristically reported in an understated fashion by the ever-reliable SKY NEWS. Ah okay, not really.

Reporting on a TORNADO which TORE SLATES FROM THEIR VERY ROOVES in NORTH LONDON which could have KILLED THOUSANDS if they had all been gathered under the eaves or had maybe been sufficiently distracted to walk into open manholes, SKY NEWS gave this once-in-a-few-years event the space it deserved.

KOWPAT news managed to contact rookie SKY news anchor Larry Scrote, who told us how he found himself in the middle of his very own personal storm when the story broke:

Jimbob is your average happy-go-lucky country lad, working in Dublin.

He likes nothing better than a bit of hostelry hoo-haa with the lads, a few gallons of beer and a tongue sandwich on the bus home if he can still manoeuvre his head through the fog of inebriation.

Jimbob's life was uncomplicated.

Until one fateful night...

Yes indeedy, it is with great pleasure and both hands in his pockets that Nat King Coleslaw welcomes a guest-written nipple-tensing account of another scintillating Seagal adventure!

Take it away, fungalgroat!

Fans everywhere rejoiced today when it was announced that Steven Seagal's latest movie, "On Deadly Ground 2: Shell To Sea", will be released straight to DVD in time for the Christmas market.

It is with tinselly testes that Snackbox Diaries presents its Christmas record purchasing assistance guide!

Yes. Yes yes.

Who out there can stand up and say "I would rather find a mound of stir-fried turkey vomit in my stocking than any of these"?

First up, the ever reliable Declan Nerney. Always one to court controversy, this Christmas sees Declan aiming for the niche "Regretful post-op trannie" market.

In "I wanna love as a man again", Declan sings from the heart as one who wishes he could turn back time and fend off that crotch-bound scalpel.

For most Irish men, the realisation that the missus doesn't share your appreciation for a good rousing blast of Iron Maiden can be an alarming one.

Not to worry! Snackbox is here with some choice purchases to turn her frown around and get her gusset moistened into the bargain.

What better way to start than with a quartet who sound like a gaggle of lovestruck bullocks grunting over a ditch? Yes indeedy, "Dildo Oil" will have images of swarthy crooning lotharios swimming round her chardonnay-addled brain while you fumble with her brasier.

Originally a Lithuanian "Take That" tribute band, "Dildo Oil" were plucked from obscurity when Simon Cowell heard them as he trawled the seediest pubs in Vilnius one fateful night.

Several gallons of hair oil and a life-shortening amount of sunbed time later, Cowell's latest frankensigning was ready to be inflicted on the world.