Larry: "Madness. Sheer madness. You should probably phone me back for a more coherent account tomorrow morning cause I'm in the pub now with the rest of the lads drinking off what I've been told is 'Surrogate Survivor Syndrome'.

I still can't believe it happened to me, y'know?

Anyway, to give you some background: I remember a few weeks back I was rightly fucked off with the missus cause it was maximum occupancy in Larry's Lovenest and there she was, stuck in the middle of this horseshit Observer article about global warming. And I'm lying there while my expensively-purchased delay spray wears off!

So I say "Put that fuckin' thing down and pick this fuckin' thing up", y'know, pointing south.
THAT's when she starts yelpin' on about global warming and how "The day after tomorrow" isn't so far-removed from reality and how my 4x4 ain't helping. Yeah yeah.

Look, you don't need to know about the fucking, like, holocaust which erupted when I tore her magazine up and lit it from my cigar. Anyway, let's just say that my awareness was inadvertently raised."




"So there I am, less than a fucking month later, babysitting my spanking new job as maitre'D of the SKY newsdesk when this absolute fucking bombshell comes in: A fucking tornado is only after decimating most of North London.

Yeah, yeah, obviously I know now that it was massively exaggerated but I do not regret putting that message out. It could have meant the difference between survival for our planet and utter annihilation.

No, wait, yeah you can laugh, but you could have had a Jeff Goldblum character sitting there in his bedsit somewhere, watching his SKY news when this alert comes on - and he's like the only person in the world who knows how to program a computer to counteract this murderous weather business!

I could have saved lives or gotten egg on my face, and a real hero does not count the cost."

Our phone conversation with Larry was cut short at this point due to his taking umbrage at our rather poorly-stifled giggles.

We do however commend Larry and his team for successfully contacting the elusive (and sole) expert on "Cataclysmic Climate Cack-Inducers", Professor Jeremy Baxendale.

Speaking from his home (specifically, his bath) in Basingstoke, Professor Baxendale gave the SKY newsdesk a bowel-liquefying insight into how your average north London tornado forms:

Professor Baxendale: "Thank you SKY news for this opportunity to tell the nation what I have been trying to tell them for years: we're all fucked. DOWN BOWSER."
SKY: "A chilling prediction, Professor. Can you tell our viewers exactly how they're going to go?"
Professor Baxendale: "Certainly. You see, if I can get your camera team to pan down towards my plughole then you should see that north London is like my big toe."



Professor Baxendale: "Soft, pink and fleshy - but in a precarious position in relation to the plughole and the associated whirlpool effects."
SKY: "Fascinating. Please continue, Professor."
Professor Baxendale: "I shall. If we now fill the bath with water and place the rubber stopper in the plughole, my big toe is unaffected. If, however, we...can you get your camera crew to focus in here...if we remove the rubber stopper, then I hate to alarm your viewers, but a child could tell you that what you are seeing right in front of your eyes is a tornado effect. Causing MAXIMUM CARNAGE AND DEATH AND DESTRUCTION."
SKY: "Well, you heard it there. Carnage. Death-"
Professor Baxendale: "If I could just speak to someone there about funding. You see, I've been using cold water in my bath experiments for three months now and-"
SKY: "As I said, carnage. Death. Destruction. From the horse's mouth. You're watching SKY NEWS."