On the plump side after the festive feastiness?
Too lazy to unglue your arse from the sofa and walk the spare tyre off?
Then sweat no more! Just pick from one of these fantastic diet plans!
First, it's the watery yop crash diet.
Oops! It's not a crash diet! It's a TWO WEEK CHALLENGE!
Double oops! It's not watery yop! It's [drum roll] ACTIMEL.
Does watery yop contain L.CASEI IMUNITASS? Does it fuck. For those who live under a rock, L.CASEI IMUNITASS is the stuff they pump into watery eh...ACTIMEL to fill your bloodstream with little cartoon chappies who like nowt better than doing combat with any pulsating purple invaders who try to attack you in your time of weakness. My grandmother used a cold spoon, but things change.
Jolly Jim in the Irish TV ad says "I never go outside without my ACTIMEL inside me". Jim might as well have the little plastic bottle crammed twixt his arsecheeks for all the good it'll do him. Maybe that's what he means. No wonder he's jolly. And bow-legged.
Second! It's Kelloggs and their ever-popular monopolise-your-diet diet!
Yes ladies, eat two bowls of our crunchy honey nutty nut crunchos every day for two weeks and drop a jeans size! Hey, drop all your fucking teeth while you're at it but at least you won't be a porker!
Of course, these two bowls should be consumed as part of a balanced diet. Like fuck they should! Don't mess with the Kelloggs plan or you'll STAY BALLOONY.
Third! Let's take it from the top.
Fat? Lazy? Stupid? Wealthy?
Then cut to the chase and have it SUCKED OUT. Just don't tell anyone. Make something up. Tell them you do martial arts, feng shui, that kinda thing.
More:
The good ole Sun sticks it to "Our Jade"
Actimuck
One-way ticket to gummyville
I KNOW
Comments (5)
Speaking as a fat bastard myself, I think it is a terrible shame they couldn't suck out the remaining 200lbs of gristle which they left beneath Jaded's hat.
Posted by fungalgroat | January 11, 2007 12:47 PM
Posted on January 11, 2007 12:47
why not do us all a favour and just suck her head clean off her shoulders? in addition to the amusing sight of her shoulders spewing blood twenty feet in the air, you would instantaneously increase humanity's average IQ by twenty points.
Posted by birdbath | January 11, 2007 7:23 PM
Posted on January 11, 2007 19:23
OUTSTANDING, Give that man a JADE - SANSTETE. Its her new fragrance ...... there's a french word in it, c'MOOOONNNNNN
Posted by BIGBRASSBALLS | January 13, 2007 2:35 AM
Posted on January 13, 2007 02:35
I hope for her sake that this new fragrance is more successful than her first attempt at releasing a fragrance.
"Ed Self" by Jade (Eau De Sueur, Entre Les Fesses) was a complete flop for her. (Of course she may have taken the phrase "eau de toilette" a little bit literally.)
Then came the lawsuit by a relatively unknown American rockband of the same name, which pretty much put the kybosh on poor aul' Jade's first foray into perfumes.
Posted by fungalgroat | January 16, 2007 10:31 AM
Posted on January 16, 2007 10:31
Jaysus, that's one very fat pussy. And the cat's pretty overweight, too.
Posted by PostmanPat | January 26, 2007 3:10 AM
Posted on January 26, 2007 03:10