[Bertie Ahern sits at his desk, as happy as a boy can be]
Bertie: "Five more years. Rock'n'roll."
[knock knock]
Bertie: "No rest for the wicked. Enter!"
John: "Tis only me, Taoiseach."
Bertie: "Ah John! (fuck) Sit down."
John: "Fine so."
Bertie: "What a wipeout, hah? Five more years!"
John: "Indeed! High-five!"
[John raises his arm expectantly]
Bertie: "Eh, no. So anyway, whaddya want?"
John: "Well, I just...um...wanted to know...where I fit in."
Bertie [sigh]: "John. John John John, what am I gonna do with you."
John: "I-"
Bertie: "John, you remember our pre-election deal. You wipe those hillbillies off the map and you get something better than free GAA tickets and photo ops with Lassie."
[pause]
Bertie: "Hillbillies get in, different scenario."
John: "But I-"
Bertie: "But you didn't. Fuckin' tarhead got more votes than ever and now I'm lumped with the clucking bastard and his braying, gap-toothed kin. So I think you know where that leaves you."
John: "Not gong clanger Taoiseach, please!"
Bertie: "Gong clanger is a fine job, John. Think of the power!"
John: "The power?"
Bertie: "The POWER. Finally, you can silence those goms in opposition with just one clang of your gong."
John: "Just one clang?"
Bertie: "Sure! They have to respect you. The position of gong-clanger is one of authority. Of respect. And if they don't respect you or indeed the gong, you can turf them outta the house!"
John: "Go way." [strokes chin]
Bertie: "John, it's like having the kickassability of Judge Dredd (despite your failure to wipe out the Angel gang) and the intergalactic eminence of Yoda (minus the wisdom bit of course) - all at the same time! And...you get to wear ceremonial robes."
John: "Robes! I love robes! Ceremonial ones, especially!"
Bertie: "Ahhh great. So are we in business then...Gong Clanger?"
John [grinning]: "I'd say we are! I'll be off now to practice a bit of my clanging!"
Bertie: "Good man, good man."
[the door slams; Bertie shakes his head]
[later that day]
Bertie: "Ah yeah. I'm delighted, John's delighted, we're all delighted!"
John [thinking]: "Gong Clanger. All will fear His Name and His Almighty Gong."
[later; the dail resumes]
Enda: "I must say, the green in your ceremonial scarf does a fine job of highlighting the side-of-ham tinge coming from that great fat pustule that squats in the middle of your shoulders."
John: "OH. OOOOOOH." [KLANGGGG] "Oh the gong clanger will not stand for that. Consider yourself on a warning, deputy."
Enda: [barely suppressed scoffing]
John: "SIT DOWN!" [KLANGGGG] "THE POWER OF THE GONG COMMANDS YOU! THE-"
[mmmmmmPHRRRRP-P-P-P-P]
John: "Who farted? WHO FARTED? WHO DARES...BY HIS POSTERIORAL EMANATIONS TO CHALLENGE THE AUTHORITY OF THE GONG?!!"
[much guffawing]
John: "Oh it's funny now Deputy Ring, is it? Well let's see how funny THIS is!" [makes Jedi choke-hold]
[Deputy Ring clutches his throat]
Deputy Ring: "AAAAAK....CAN'T BREATHE..."
John [waggling hand]: "It's not so funny when your air supply is being cut off, is it-"
Deputy Ring: "Hahahaha! Only joking!"
John: "My...jedi powers. On the wane?"
Deputy Ring: "Twas Fatty Rabbitte who farted anyway."
John: "Was it you, deputy Rabbitte? When a fart is preceded by a 'mmmmm' sound, it usually means that the methane pocket has had to force its way through a few inches of arseflab before reaching the open air."
Deputy Rabbitte: "Wasn't me!"
John: "Tell it to the hand, Deputy Rabbitte. You're out of here."
Deputy Rabbitte: "Ah, not fair!"
John: "I BANISH YOU FROM THIS HOUSE OF CLEAN AIR!" [KLANGGGG] "YOU TOO, DEPUTY RING!"
CLANG THAT GONG JOHN
Comments (12)
Oh brilliant!
Posted by Rudy | June 27, 2007 12:33 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 12:33
Class
Posted by Keith | June 27, 2007 12:52 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 12:52
Genie-us.
Posted by Spanky | June 27, 2007 12:56 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 12:56
Brilliant! I'm heartily amused.
Posted by O'Reilly | June 27, 2007 2:05 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 14:05
Classic!
Posted by bob | June 27, 2007 3:26 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 15:26
Brilliant stuff Murty
Posted by Snarf | June 27, 2007 3:31 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 15:31
Hup ya boya!
Posted by Drfter | June 27, 2007 4:18 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 16:18
Ho ho ho. Classic. About clangers, not full of them.
Posted by Sweary Lady | June 27, 2007 6:21 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 18:21
I must say, that's incredibly genius. :)
Posted by Gav | June 27, 2007 6:25 PM
Posted on June 27, 2007 18:25
''Enda: "I must say, the green in your ceremonial scarf does a fine job of highlighting the side-of-ham tinge coming from that great fat pustule that squats in the middle of your shoulders."
Oh, God that is brilliant.
Brilliant.Brilliant.Brilliant.
Posted by Quint | June 29, 2007 5:41 PM
Posted on June 29, 2007 17:41
Bloody genius sir. Well done.
I equate John O' Donoghue to David Brent. That same gormless, pathetic comedy/agony we must endure whilst seeing that ham headed twat bluff the light fantastic... Although without the Christmas special "redemption".
Anyway, Green Ink put together a lovely little photo piece combining John and David. Have a look. My blog or his.
Posted by John Cav | June 30, 2007 2:51 AM
Posted on June 30, 2007 02:51
genius! I haven't laughed so much in a long time.
Posted by walter | July 9, 2007 9:45 PM
Posted on July 9, 2007 21:45