2. I tell everyone that I'm down with stuff like Battles, Tom Vek and Animal Collective. The sad truth is that I just keep up to date on pitchfork media and cry myself to sleep every night in the dark while I listen to Bruce Hornsby.


3. I grew up loving Bruce Lee, and only ever engaged in schoolyard combat one-on-one. Or one-on-many. Then Goodfellas came along. De Niro and Pesci showed how cool it was for a bunch of blokes to treat Permanent TSB guy to some serious assembled brown shoe leather.
Most assaults are now of the many-to-one variety. I fell foul of this recently. When I left the queue in DenJoe's Killarney to gob at passing traffic, I discovered that four guys had taken my place. Naturally, I asked them outside. However, the unsporting bastards attacked me - not in the expected sequential format but in a new, simultaneous, random access format. I got the tar knocked out of me. This is all Martin Scorcese's fault.


4. I'm from Kerry. When in conversation with people who are not from Kerry, I tend to get "the nod". This is where someone in the group mentions some cerebral smudge like Jackie Healy Rae or John O'Donoghue or yer man from the Field who killed that yank and (maybe without realising they're doing it) they nod in my direction. I AM NOT AFFILIATED. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY RESENT IT. I am no longer allowed to affirm this while brandishing the nodder's collars.


5. I once met someone famous. It was the bass player from Ned's Atomic Dustbin, and I met him in the Parkway in Limerick. He was drinking Guinness. Major no-no. I said "I never knew you had two bass players!". He put his pint down and said "I hope you have two toilets". That was that.


6. My favourite book is "Wuthering Heights". My party piece is that I can recite it line for line until that bit where your man's illicit totty croaks and he's outside nutting a tree. Then I just piss myself. Does Edgar Linton end up kicking his arse? I've no fuckin' idea.


7. I was a lapsed Catholic until I saw a recent ad where the wonderful people behind the "Bounty"-brand kitchen roll decided to splice "Audrey" and "Brenda" - hang on now, they're MEN who are dressed like WIMMIN LOL O MI SIDES - with footage from a "Carry On" film. I now pray every night that these worthless cunts will one day be lowered into a mincer while being forced to watch "Beaches" on repeat.


8. My favourite opening lines to a book are:

"He closed his eyes as the lock clunk-thud. Secure at last. Bathroom refuge. He commanded, forced his body to turn 360 degrees. Still at the door! 180 degrees, moron! Facing the correct direction, he advanced, unzipping himself as he strode bravely forward. The edges of the bowl pressed at the sides of his knees as he contemplated his next move. His plod pendulously pendulumed, pregnant with piddle. It was then that he remembered that the window was not shut. He looked up. The unicorn returned his stare through the window".

Here's the shocker. That book in number 8 has yet to be written.

I know I was meant to dicky up rules and nominate eight other punters but the only other punters I know who are sufficiently hard-up to consider this (like me) are...[drum roll]...GreenInk and Gerry.