One of his kidnappers was sent to a nearby farmhouse to source some poultry but, according to Jackie, "he could only come up with two scrawny pullets". A farcical scene ensued as one kidnapper attempted to pluck two chickens in complete darkness while the other two stirred the tar-barrel.


Jackie takes up the story; "Sure he was getting nowhere with the chickens and the lads were getting browned off stirring the tar. So one of them starts slagging him and tells him he must be secretly pleasuring the chickens and that does it. He picks up the poor creatures and they half-dead and doesn't he throw them at his comrades and huhup! Off he goes into the night, bad cess to him. The lads tried to coax him back but got nowhere fast, so that was it for them; they hopped into the van and sped off, leaving me trussed up and facing the wind and rain."



Jackie, pre-abduction, with fan


I ask Jackie if he's going to tell me who was responsible. He pauses for a moment, collecting his thoughts. I stare into my buttermilk. Then, finally, he speaks. "Do you know when you go into a fairground. There's a kind of wheel that people sit into and it takes them up into the air in a circle."

Surely he can't be referring to the notorious north Kerry Sinn Féin TD?

"Well", he continues, "the people behind my abduction would be like that. I'd say they do that kind of thing as a business enterprise. They circle the country doing contract tar'n'feathering."


Jackie remained on his perch in Derrynane bay until noon the following day, by which time his sculpted features were "banjaxed" and the botched tarring job on his pate had set. For the next few days, Jackie took counsel only from his closest friends and associates. The message was clear; surgeons on the west coast of America could restore him to his former glory. However, Jackie decided to send a clear message to his opponents. He would not be cowed. He would wear his cranial battle scars as a badge of honour. He just had one final modification to make.


Jackie Healy Rae is now one of the most powerful movers and shakers in the houses of power. The army of civil servants under the control of his new department is formidable; his mastery of the Queen's English is unquestionable; his thunderous delivery is bowel-liquefying. But what adds an extra element of intimidation is...those feathers. Just take a look at the following stills from a recent parliamentary debate.



Enda: "I would like to again recommend that a full investigation be conducted into the affairs of Michael and Danny Healy Rae. These chancers are milking their father's political influence to fuel their own private enterprises!"




Jackie: "baaaaaaawk...buk buk buk buk buk"




Enda: "Indeed, we have evidence of Michael managing to vote for and against the same motion at the same meeting while he was chairman of Kerry county council and..."




Jackie: "guh-buh-BAAAAaaaaawk...buk buk buk buk buk"




Enda: "...you also have Danny as the highest paid contractor to Kerry county council, making €475,000 in one year alone!"





Jackie: "BUH-KAWK! SHUT YOUR HOLE KENNY!"




Enda: "Oh! I...ah...right so, I ah...take it all back. Motion adjourned."




McGrath: "By gum, you soon softened his cough."
Jackie: "Yuk yuk yuk yuk! Buk-kawk!"