"I didn't choose showbusiness. It chose me." (Curry Chips)

What a week it was for Twink.

Tuesday found her defending her honour against the hordes of sweltering oiks on Liveline. Oiks who rallied to the call of one Stephanie Elliott.

Stephanie isn't an artist. She's not even famous.

And yet she has the gumption to question the integrity and partiality of a true artist like Twink who has funneled her creative juices into a big bedpan called "Class Act".

Excerpts:

Twink: "Osama Bin Laden could ring me up tomorrow and tell me that he's got the best bloody tap-dancer this side of Turkmenistan and if I don't put that child through then I'll be getting a bomb up my hole. Well Joe, I would Not! Put! That! Child! Through!"
Joe: "What about the Mummy?"
Twink: "Mrs Bin Laden? No! Never!"
Joe: "No, no...I mean what if the Mummy made a similar phonecall? Y'know, Imhotep."
Twink: "Brendan Fraser Mummy or Boris Karloff Mummy?"
Joe: "Eh...the one from 'Abbot & Costello meet the Mummy'."
Twink: "Nope. Not budging."
Joe: "How about Dracula then."
Twink: "Lugosi, Lee or Oldman?"
Joe: "Oldman."
Twink: "I always said I'd do anything for Gary Oldman and he is a dear friend of mine, but the answer would still be no."
Joe: "Fantastic. Twinktegrity. Not For Sale."
Twink: "You said it Joe."

[Joe ensures that the scent of Stephanie wafts towards Twink's flared nostrils]

Joe: "What do you say to this, Stephanie?"
Stephanie: "Well Joe, I'm veh surprised at Twink's attitude-"
Twink: [incoherent barking noises]
Stephanie: "-when my simple point is that there was a conflict of interest-"
Twink: [sound of plasterboard being headbutted]
Stephanie: "-which Twink should have declared."
Joe: "Your response Twink?"
Twink: "SHE'S NOT EVEN FAMOUS! SHE'S NOT ON THE TELLY! DID SHE EVER ADVERTISE JUMBOS TOILET ROLLS? DID SHE WHAT. GRAAAAAAARGH-" [sound of crockery smashing]

That must have been tiring enough for the mad bint, but Saturday morning found her prising Eamon Dunphy's tongue out of her arse in another instalment of his grisly "Conversations.." series.

Obligatory Blogorrah-esque piccy

It started on a grim note and went downhill at a rate of knots.

Eamonn: "This morning's guest is a star...and ah...legend in showbusiness...ah...Adele King...also known as...Twink."

From the highs of savaging John O'Donoghue on 'The Last Word' to this bunch of jaded horseapples.

What happened, Eamonn?

"This week, Eamonn engages Edna O'Brien in conversation".

I'd rather listen to "Sunday Miscellany" ('...then, I watched out my window as the impish squirrel picked up the nut, studied it, turned it, studied it again, and scampered off into the tree in all its russet splendour as I stood transfixed, the scent of bovril permeating my nostrils and indeed the kitchen...')

Anyway, onto the gruesome excerpts. The apparent typos are down to Twink's sophisticated pronunciation; "Am" is "Om", "Dance" is "Donce" etc.

Twink: "Eamon, I've said this countless times. I didn't choose showbusiness or doncing. It chose me."

Eamonn: "The separation...divorce...a painful chapter...in life..."
Twink: "Oh Eamonn. It must have been love, but it's over now. And I am so loathe to point the finger. However, when two people, two artists...are very much in love, you kneow, but one is so much more successful than the other. That, Eamonn, is when resentment enters the equation. Especially when the less publicised one is a fat, balding, middle-aged prick."

Twink: "Even when we (Maxi, Dick & Twink) were 14 or 15, We had no problem putting 5,000 people into a ballroom in Carlow or Cork. But they were one-offs because we were still at school."
Eamonn: "You were at school, and yet...you were a star. A beautiful...blonde...star."
Twink: "Yah, yah"
Eamonn: "Who were your friends...then?"
Twink: "Hmmm, mainly other kids in the business because I could identify with them. Some of my peers in school found it a bit difficult, you know, that bit of the green-eyed monster and they would say to me 'Oh you've changed' and of course it wasn't me. It was their attitude towards me that had changed; I hadn't changed at all."
Eamonn: "And what about boys? You're a very...beautiful woman, I'm sure you were a very beautiful...young girl."
Twink: "Oh I had lots of boyfriends Eamonn, and wasn't short of action and adventure back then."
Eamonn: [breathing heavily] "We'll go to an adbreak."

Eamonn: "Have you ever really found the thing you wanted to do...with your brains...and your energy?"
Twink: "I really regret not being a very fine surgeon. Or psychiatric medicine. I would love to have done neurosurgery and I find disturbances of the mind fascinating."

Fascinating.