Curry Chips

Wednesday's METRO covered the "virtual funeral" that was held in World of Warcraft in remembrance of some mad Chinese lass who kicked the bucket after playing hacky-slashy non-stop for 284 days.

Yes indeedy, lots of brave warriors, wart-addled trolls and busty maidens got together at a designated location to hold the "crouch" button and listen to some gleeb type a few choice words; "Bye Bye LumpHammer Lou, we'll miss you. Hope you remember to eat a sandwich and have a glass of pop in the next world".

Where will these devilish tricksters stop? They're now using highly advanced techniques based on the power of suggestion to diddle their victims.

From today's Irish Independent:

GARDAI have warned the public to ignore a fraudulent email informing recipients that they have won a lotto prize.

They received e-mails, disguised as official Irish National Lottery communications, last Friday claiming they had won €218,086 and asking for personal details so the money could be lodged into their bank accounts. But instead of money going in, the tricksters are using the information to access the accounts and steal cash from them.

[the phone rings in Mick's house]
Mick: "Hello?"

Yet again we find a distasteful show of strength from the security staff at a discount superstore.

OUTRAGE AS SCANDINAVIAN DEATH METALLER IS EJECTED FROM DISCOUNT STORE
Skrogg Funkelstijjiln used to buy his weekly tub of industrial throat grout from Tesco until he realised he could make a saving of 26% at the Aldi store in his adopted home of Colwyn Bay, North Wales.
Funkelstijjiln is lead vocalist with "Der Pantijie Hosen", who became famous when their death metal version of Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" sold several dozen copies in Finland in early 2002.
He says he was quite happy to buy the grout in Aldi until that fateful day when...

I do apologise. This is a clerical error. The story which actually applies to this photo is below.

Hello from Tommy Brennan, your geezer in Giza with an update on the international property market for the ever-adventurous Cork speculator!

Lads, I'm here to tell ye that ye can forget about looking to buy in Spain. Spain is only full of Dublin crims and Sunday World reporters. Pyramid schemes in Egypt are what's hot these days.

That's me in the photo outside one of the newest developments called "Tuscany Triangles" - a fabalass new estate on the outskirts of Giza that's been furnished to the highest standard. Each unit is about 2,000 square foot and all the rooms are ensuite, including the downstairs bathroom.

All apologies to "Pure Mule" (superlative drama recently repeated on RTE).

Shamie: "Scobie, wouldjevoh head on down theyoh an' throw a bihha gravel beside thah line."
Scobie: "Thah line?"
Shamie: "Aye, thah line."
Scobie: "Dunno abou' thah now."
Shamie: "Whahya mean yah doe know?"
Scobie: "Thaha be line renewal."
Shamie: "Line renewal? Thass line maintenance ya big daw!"
Scobie: "Harassment like thah will get you nowhere today bossman."
Shamie: "Scobie. Yer juss evenin' up the gravel beside thah line! If thah isn't line maintenance then whah is?"
Scobie: "I'd have tah...consult me manual abouh thah."
Shamie: "Forget the fuckin' manual and just sort it willyah?"
Scobie: "Whooaah bossman. Yer mucky boots just crossed a line there."

[Scobie flings down his shovel and stomps off to meet his union representative]

More [weary sigh]

Raunchy stuff in today's Independent.

THIS is the young woman accused of having sex in front of horrified passengers on a rushhour Dart.

Debbie O’Connell (21) is alleged to have performed sex acts with a man in a carriage full of disgusted commuters in broad daylight.