Curry Chips

[Scene: A derelict bedsit. Grampa Joe Bird has waited all night for young Charlie to fall asleep while watching "Prime time" before attempting to snaffle his kit-kat. He carefully peels back the wrapper before spotting something inside the foil]

Grampa: "Wake up Charlie! Wake up! While you was asleep, I opened your kit-kat and you only won a ticket to Willie's Chucklehead Factory! Are yuh excited Charlie?"
Charlie: "At this time, I can report that 'elated' would be a fitting description. Charlie Bird, bedsit news."
Grampa [tousling Charlie's hair]: "Y'know Charlie, I really oughta take you out more."

Time for a snippet from the most successful show on Kerry Open Wavelength Public Access Television, "Late evening with Willum Connors". Take it away there Willum.....

Willum: "So yet again on the Willum Connors show, we find ourselves strapped in and ball-gagged for another foray into the movie-world with Jeremy Dungscuttle. Welcome to the show again Jeremy."
Jeremy: "Thanks Willum. Well it's been another bulging week for cinema releases in Kerry with some cracking stuff being shown at the Omniplex. We start with 'The demonic possession of Caramelly Rose', a fairly disturbing film about the inhumanity and savagery that man is capable of when he finds himself brawling for the last decent chocolate in the big Christmas tin. In this clip, we have Jimbob and his father Mossy sitting by the fire after turkey with all the trimmings and several skinfuls of Mossy's homemade creme de menthe".

The snackbox diaries is proud to present an epic tale of forbidden love in North Kerry in the 1990s; directed by Hang "Sandwich" Lee, "Brokenback Boreen" tells us of a love that dare not speak its name. Well, especially if it's the love between two farmers called Mossy and Brian and there's anyone else within earshot.

[opening scene: Mossy, now an old man, sits in a chair at the fireside recounting his sorry tale of lost love to his only nephew]
Narrator: It was late September when I saw him first. I remember it was September cause it was cold; as I stood outside the milking parlour that fateful morning, I remarked to no-one in particular that you could grate cheese off my scrotes. It was as I contemplated heading into the kitchen to get some cheddar that I first heard the sweet, succulent sound of him trying to extract his wellington from the muck on Brokenback Boreen. It's still...so clear to me even to this day...

Snackbox Diaries is thrilled silly to present more lurid snippets from the time-honoured favourite starring Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer.

[Maria has been summoned to see the Reverend Mother about her un-nunly behaviour]
Reverend Mother: "I am deeply concerned about you Maria. You do not seem to see eye to eye with your fellow sisters."
Maria: "I've tried my best! Some of them are cock-eyed anyway."
Reverend Mother: "Accusing them of sexual misconduct is not trying your best, Maria."
Maria: "I heard them singing 'How do you solve a problem like gonorrhea'! Some of the townsfolk say they would get up on a hairy hand."
Reverend Mother: "They deny this, of course. They claim that you are the one who is guilty of bringing this entire convent into disrepute because of your friendship with an unsavoury character called Penis Van Lesbian!"
Maria: "That is my dearest friend Dick Van Dyke! Oh please don't send me to live with the Von Trapps Reverend Mother, please!"
Reverend Mother: "I must! Be off with you now my child. And let us hear no more about this Cock Van Strapon fellow!"

Don't miss Brendan Gleeson's star turn in the hilarious comedy "Spuds", now showing in cinemas nationwide.

But don't trust us - listen to what the critics say!

"An excellent mashup of styles" - Michael Dwyer, Irish Times
"When the goalie got chipped in the last minute, everyone cheered" - Brian Kerr-Pinks, ex-Ireland manager
"A classic feelgood movie, where the blighted underdog roasts the favourites" - Dave Fanning, RTE

Ah-widda toora-loora-laddee, an' a toora-loora-lay [hic!] YES SOR! Tis time for to present snippets from a boner fido classic which had thus far scuttled by under me radar; the windswept dung-spattered epic "Far and Away" starring an Oirisher-than-Sean-Thornton Tom Cruise.

[Tom is in the top field planting potatoes and flinging the occasional country pancake out to sea. Tom's brothers Sneaky and Fatty approach]
Fatty: "You're wannadem bollockses."
Tom: "Bedad and I am not."
Sneaky: "Y'are and more! And yer spuds'll get the mould. And them what survives the mould will only be good for makin' the crinkly chips."
Tom: "YOU TAKE DAT BACK!"
[Tom clouts the two of them with turf nunchuks; a neighbour approaches on horseback]
Neighbour: "Lads! Don't be fightin' outta ye now! The fadder is dead and he laid out in the house!"
Tom: "Jaysus."

Yes, it's the remake we were all secretly wishing for....Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Official site
Touching Cloth

I know this is lowbrow, but Severe Jam Damage made me do it.

Yes, I am ashamed of myself.

Splash

Aye, that's the sound of the wind shaking the barley which I only got round to watching last night.

Lack of concern for any of the characters aside, twas a fine film.

Oh them black'n'tans were a rascally lot. And the accents on them!


Tan [offscreen]: "WOTCHOO DOIN I SAY WOTCHOO DOIN' PADDY!!?"
Foxy Tim: "Milkin' the cow"
Tan: "LOOKS LAWK YORE INTERFERIN' WI' THAT 'ORSE!"
Foxy Tim: "That's a cow like"
Tan: "MAH GAWD! THIS 'ORSE HAS FOUR WOTSITS! AN' PADDY 'ERE IS TUGGIN' TWO AT A TIME!!"
Foxy Tim: "Them's paps"
Tan: "SUMMARY AH....EXECUTION FOR PERVERSITY AND BESTIAL CONDUCT WITH ONE OF THE QUEEN'S ANIMALS."
[BANG!]
Foxy Tim: "You shot the cow, boy."

To celebrate the 30th anniversary of the original Star Wars, Curry Chips is proud to present updated snippets from the most recent fillum; "Revenge of the Sith"...

[Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker, on a mission to free Chancellor Palpatine, have made their way to the deck of General Grievous' spaceship where they confront the big robotic galoot]



Grievous: "Ho ho ho! Stupid jedis. I lurrnt thee lightsaberr tricks from Count Dooky!"

Cecilia Tanner needs her driveway redone, but can't decide on what shade of cement will look best.

Playhouse plum? Grape thistle? Imperial stone?

Meanwhile, Bob and his gang wait for the nod, charging by the hour.

Will Cecilia come to a decision or will she procrastinate and simper her way through Daddy's inheritance?

What the critics say:

"Knightley delivers two rump-numbing hours of a truly Oscar-worthy simper"; Oscar Trout, Guardian

"TEN OUT OF TEN STARS! I LAUGHED, I CRIED, I TOOK A CALL ON MY PHONE"; Peter Cardigan, FHM

"Lofty was my favourite even though he talks like a poof and is afraid of Spud when he could so easily just pick him up and smash him into a wall repeatedly heh heh great stuff that'd liven things up somewhat now next we have-"; Dave Fanning, 2FM


"A ton o' cement" is in cinemas now.