Curry Chips

Willum: "And now it's over to 'Helena's Hot Rocks'; all the movin' and groovin' from the music world with Helena Hegarty. Over to you Helena."
Helena: "Thanks a millun, Willum. Oh but I have a bulging gusset of a programme this week featuring Enya, Westlife, Chico of "X Factor" fame and of course the long-awaited Take That reunion."
Willum: "That sounds faballass. Roll it there."
[VT plays; Helena stands outside the front door of an impressive residence in the west of Ireland]
Helena: "Well, here I am! After several hundred harassing phonecalls and a few parcels of greyhound shit through the letterbox, Enya has finally agreed to give me an interview."
[The door creaks open]
Helena: "Enya I'm delighted to- hang on, you're not Enya."

Saturday night, just after 11pm: a phonecall is made from Athens to Ireland....

Nurse Callaghan: "....certainly Brian, I'll go get her now."
Brian: "Ach, thanks, you're too good."
Ma Kennedy: "HALLO! Who's this?"
Brian: "Ma, it's me, it's Brian!"
Ma Kennedy: "Oh! You. So then! Didjer win that song contest thing?"
Brian: "Ah Mam, did you not watch it on the telly? Did you not make the effort for me?"
Ma Kennedy: "Nah! They don't let us watch no more telly in here. Not since some bubblehead nurse left Ernie Timmons in front of the Late Late last Friday and forgot to wheel him back to his bed. He lasted two hours before gouging his eyes out with a spork."

Another exclusive on Snackbox diaries as we get a track-by-track walkthrough of "Blackouts and Inebriations"; the corking new concept album from MUSE.

Joining us is Matt Bellamy who is listed on the album as contributing "vocals, guitar, pocket theremin, upright banjo, handclaps, ghost noises, atmospheric clatters". Take it away Matt...

"What's interesting about Blackouts and Inebriations is that it took four years to painstakingly sculpt, yet it only describes six hours in the life of our hero (Benny Wrexler, Starfighter and Raconteur). Benny is just back to Earth-One after a torrid campaign fighting Vermicious Snoods in Hamegga-Nine and decides to let his long flowing blonde hair down."

THOUSANDS are feared dead following a catastrophic attempt by talent vacuum Katie Melua to break the world record for the deepest underwater concert performance.

Workers on the Statoil Troll oil rig claim they were not informed that Melua would be making such an attempt.

Speaking from his hospital bed in Trondheim, surviving drill leader Gonk Weinerson told us that "the monotonous paper-headed bint would never have been made welcome where proper music was enjoyed".

With their new album "The Lovely Bum" already platinum in several Scandinavian countries, the unstoppable colossus of aural fudge that is WESTLIFE seems likely to dominate the Irish charts again this Christmas.

Nat King Coleslaw managed to catch up with them as they ran away from him through the streets of Sligo, and got some interesting insights before their minders put him in hospital.

For most Irish men, the realisation that the missus doesn't share your appreciation for a good rousing blast of Iron Maiden can be an alarming one.

Not to worry! Snackbox is here with some choice purchases to turn her frown around and get her gusset moistened into the bargain.

What better way to start than with a quartet who sound like a gaggle of lovestruck bullocks grunting over a ditch? Yes indeedy, "Dildo Oil" will have images of swarthy crooning lotharios swimming round her chardonnay-addled brain while you fumble with her brasier.

Originally a Lithuanian "Take That" tribute band, "Dildo Oil" were plucked from obscurity when Simon Cowell heard them as he trawled the seediest pubs in Vilnius one fateful night.

Several gallons of hair oil and a life-shortening amount of sunbed time later, Cowell's latest frankensigning was ready to be inflicted on the world.

Sony BMG say they now "regret" offering fans the chance to name Lavigne's new album.

"What we saw here was a concerted effort by parents and older relations of Avil Lavigne fans to express what they really really feel about her infuriating brand of bratpop", said an unnamed spokesperson.

An initial pressing of 1000 featuring the controversial title has been withdrawn and is now said to be a valuable commodity on internet auction sites.

The insolent Canadian whelp was unavailable for comment.

Curry chips is proud to present a blog exclusive! Yes indeedy, a rare interview with the reclusive Dolores O'Riordan, no less.

Nat King Coleslaw caught up with her as she tried, like other celebrities, to outrun him. He then persuaded her to sit down for a chat.

NKC: "So Dolores, thanks for taking the time to talk to Curry Chips and buy me lunch. Could I start by asking you about the inspiration for your new album 'Are you listening?'"

It's 1988. August 20th to be precise.

I'm 16, I'm wearing a patch-festooned parka and I'm in the back of a car with my cousin en route to Castle Donington, north west England.

You see, there's a concert on today. It's called the Monsters of Rock. Six groups of merry minstrels will play for me and 106,999 other mean metal mothers. I am tremendously excited, despite my pitiful mane (my mother wouldn't allow my fledgling mullet to flourish).

Part 1


2pm

The Bailey Brothers finally answer thousands of prayers and fuck off. Huzzah! Let's get ready to rock!

We're crammed in like sardines, but that's alright. This is what big gigs are like, and I'm among my brethren (apart from Chicken Licken, obviously).

I memorised the lineup months ago so I know that I'm in for some German metal courtesy of HELLOWEEN!

So it initially looks and sounds like Benny Hill does Deliverance.

35 seconds in, y'all better be holdin' onto y'all seats.

Ronald, I'd doff my hat if I had one.

Ronald's Youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/ronaldjenkees
Ronald's homepage: http://www.ronaldjenkees.com/

From the horrifically talented Nick Bertke aka Pogo

More:
Alice
Nick at last.fm
Table scraps